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Boobcast Book: Harder Than I Expected

13 Jan

Yesterday I sat down and wrote an outline for the book, including appendices for malpractice lawyers and board certified reconstructive surgeons by state. I have the forward done-an edited version of my essay here “Being Pretty”. Then I settled in to write chapter one, My Story, and promptly froze up like the metaphorical deer.

You, Dear Reader, keep telling me that I am strong and brave but I’m STILL not. I know I’m ready to write the book, but I’m afraid of dredging up old emotions. The up side is that I know they’re old emotions and all I have to do is go look in the mirror to remind myself that I’m just fine now. I’m more fortunate in that regard than some of you out there.

Some wounds run deep. This is one of them. So I’m writing this entry because talking to you, dear reader, has been a source of sanity all through this trial. Talking about the hurt helps. Personally, I’d rather bludgeon it into submission but that still hasn’t happened.

I’m not brave (in my opinion). I just got through it day by day, minute by minute. Sometimes second by second. Most of the time, with help. I’m only courageous in the “Princess Diaries” quote way (Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.). I won’t be out there on the front lines leading a battle charge. My weapon of choice is the keyboard.

I’m still afraid. I’m still emotional. My heart aches EVERY TIME I get an email from someone else going through this. But I’m pushing forward. And much like with how I dealt with losing my nipples and areolae, there will be backwards progress and days like yesterday when I just lock up and can’t do  any more.

I hope to have my first rough draft done by March. That’s when there is an intensive writer’s weekend in Atlanta that I want to attend. In the mean time, I still need your stories. I already have one person who has agreed to an interview. Again, if you are willing, please email me at boobcast@gmail.com. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of your name or situation being published, we can change your name for the book.

I’ve always told you that you’re not alone. It’s good to know that I’m not, either.

 
5 Comments

Posted by on January 13, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

5 responses to “Boobcast Book: Harder Than I Expected

  1. Sam

    January 13, 2012 at 10:12 am

    You, my dear, are strong. Brave and strong, and I hope one day you will know this too. -Just a random young girl who spent 3 hours reading your entire blog a few days ago.

     
  2. Maria_Myrback

    January 13, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Thank you for this Sam. Sometimes we don’t see things in ourselves that others see in us. While I’m starting to understand why on an intellectual level, I just haven’t “gotten” it on an emotional one yet. Maybe one day I *will* see the bravery that you and others see.

     
  3. Mechelle

    January 13, 2012 at 10:07 pm

    I think it is wonderful that you plan to write a book. I can relate to getting thru this day by day, minute by minute; some days are so long. But I have made it this far. I can also imagine how it upsets you looking back and having those emotions and memories come back. Going thru this has of course made me stronger, but it has taken me to places I hope I never go again. If it had not been for the realization that others have gone thru this and that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I sometimes wonder if the depression caused by the trauma might have got the best of me. I remember crying out to my husband and my mother, “I can’t take this anymore…I can’t handle this…” I know that was my breaking point. That is when my husband realized that not just the physical effects of this was gusome but the mental anguish was killing me. He called the nurse and they perscribed medication in to calm me down.

    I can’t tell you how much your story has helped me. You actually saved my life. I would be very happy to do an interview for your book. Just make sure my interview is titled “one day at a time”.

     
  4. Mary

    January 12, 2014 at 11:26 am

    This morning the pain was more than I can handle. I am not sure if it is getting worse or it is just making me so weary, that it feels worse. Two years of constant pain and weakness is taking it toll on my mental health. I no longer care to live this life. I feel crippled by pain and no one seems to understand. I am a single mother of two boys and have no family support. I have wonderful friends but fear they are growing tired of my trials. After 7 surgeries of failed resonstruction I gave up on ever having a breast. I just don’t want to live with pain and a constant reminder of cancer.
    What can I do to help myself? I have tried everything from pain management clinic, acupuncture, massage therapy and lots and lots of pain meds.

     
  5. Della Parrott

    April 2, 2014 at 7:57 pm

    Thank you for sharing your personal experience with breast necrosis. I have looked on the internet for pictures like the ones you shared. Finally, I have found someone else that share the same problem. I recently was diagnosed with breast cancer, I elected to have a bilateral mastectomy as I had 4 cancer tumors in one breast and other concerns (without a biopsy) in the other breast.
    My surgeon specializes in BC, so I was confident in her as a surgeon. I did have breast augmentation 8 years ago, so my old implants have been left in place at this time until reconstruction time. On the 4th day after surgery, we went to her office to remove the bandages, this is where we saw that the skin under the nipple was black (OMG). I was not expecting this and yes it was scary. For 1 1/2 weeks, we kept seeing her every 3rd day, then, she accompanied us to a PS. The PS has been treating me for 2 1/2 weeks so far with silver sulphadine cream and bandages that get changed 1 times per day. So far, my left breast has new tissue that is growing, it is yellowish white in color but no black tissue, it is healing. My right breast is about 1week behind the left breast. It is healing but not as quickly. The PS does not think there will be a need to remove the skin.
    I have also been using nitrogen cream patches that must be changed every 4 hours since my date of surgery. This is to help rebuild the blood vessels that were removed with the breast tissue.
    I don’t know how long it will take to completely recover from the necrosis but I am staying positive.
    Do you have any others that have written to you that have the same situation as mine? It would be so nice to see how they are or how their treatment went.
    Again, thankyou for sharing your stories and pictures with us. – Della

     

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