Fear of Losing My Breasts

16 May

I’ve talked about this subject before but now it’s becoming a more vivid fear. A couple months ago I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. My doctor put me on a 50 mcg dosage of Synthroid. Within days my body reacted to the new influx of hormones. The first thing that happened was my head felt like it was on fire. I spent days walking around the house with an ice pack on my head just to keep cool. I was also having vicious mood swings from Hell to the point that I was abusive to everyone or I was sobbing. Or I was deliriously happy. Kinda scary. Add to that, when I woke in the mornings my heart felt like it was POUNDING in my chest.

One trip to the clinic and a blood test later and the Doc dropped my dosage to 25 mcg. He’s going to ramp me up slowly to a standard dosage because while my blood test results showed improvement, it’s not *enough* of an improvement.

However, now that my metabolism is improving, I’ve started to lose a little weight. How do I know this? I was cleaning out my closet and found some old embroidered jeans that I love in a size smaller than the size I wear now. On a whim I tried them on and while they’re a little bit snug, they fit.

This is, of course, what triggered an adventure in fear. I have told my husband repeatedly that this is an unreasonable fear. I *know* it’s unreasonable. But my emotions and the past overrule reason every time. I am scared to death that if I lose a lot of weight the Twins will shrink away to nothing and I’ll be back to being the deformed, sub-human thing that I was before Dr. Elliott did the reconstruction.

Like I said…unreasonable fear.

Yes, the Twins will shrink as the rest of my body does. It’s just biology. But I’m still terrified.

I’m considering seeing a psychologist about this. I think it may be related to the post traumatic stress disorder flashbacks I had for a while. Those only occur once every few months now and only in the shower. It’s been going on long enough that I may need to see someone though.

And so the Boobcast saga continues.


One response to “Fear of Losing My Breasts

  1. lulupanache

    May 29, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    hi maria
    dont know if you can remember we spoke on occasions, gosh your going through the mill again, l to feel like you a never ending story, l am now waiting for another revision but l think my radiation side is going to be a problem l was like you doing well and l was pleased with my new boobies but have to keep having fat transfers bit at a time, my body is not the best because of my blood and like you l think the worst that if fat transfer dosen’t work will l be back to the begining, on one occasion l did discuss this with my PS and he did say if it failed there were other options,seems a long road, l suffer with headaches alot my GP as prescribed Stemetil tablets and Diazepam, it is very frustrating for you but look at how strong you have been all the way through your blogs, how brave you were to show your necrosis to the public, stay focused maria we are all with you.


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