Not long ago I wrote a post criticizing what was going on with my nipples. After taking some time to really look at them, I have to say that I think I was being overly critical. The left nipple is continuing to contract while the right one is staying the same. They’re almost even now and I think that may have been what was bothering me the most: the disproportion.
Instead of whining, I should be happy to have them. I AM happy to have them. Thrilled, actually. The idea that there is something wrong with them (and my breasts in general) is what got me into this mess in the FIRST place. Yes, there are imperfections. EVERY woman has imperfections. But at least I HAVE breasts that have imperfections.
Eighteen months ago I had planned my own death because I was a mangled, sub-human thing. In my mind I wasn’t even a human being anymore. And here I am now with a pair of gigantic hooters and pert nipples that just need tattooing. Who the HELL do I think I am complaining that my surgically created nipples don’t precisely match??
Once in a while I forget the Hell I’ve been through to get where I am now. That’s a good thing in some ways. Otherwise I’d be in a mental institution by now. My coping skills aren’t that great when it comes to trauma.
In other ways, it occasionally makes me feel like I’m being callous and ungrateful for the hard work my surgeon and his staff did to get me where I am today. In that forgetfulness, I may have inadvertently violated Wheaton’s Law: Don’t Be A Dick. If I HAVE, I’m sorry.
I’ve also violated my own personal rule: Be happy with what you have. It’s a matter of self-acceptance and a lesson I need to remind myself of on occasion.
That’s where things stand right now. In five more days I have nipple and areolae tattooing. Then, this fall, I’m going to start the book.I don’t think the emotional wounds caused by the necrosis, the open wounds and the subsequent deformities will get any better by pretending this all never happened. Writing the book may not make things better for me, personally. But it MAY help someone else out there who doesn’t have internet access.
I’ll be at DragonCon in Atlanta on Labor Day weekend. I’m speaking at the SkepticTrack on an unrelated topic. Come find me and say hi 🙂 I’d love to meet you.