I’m a little sad. It’s the end of an era. This means no more flashing. On the one hand I’m thrilled to be just like every other woman. On the other, I’m just like every other woman. I never wanted to be like everybody else in the sense that I hate conformity. But in another sense, I’ve never wanted anything more than to be just like every other woman.
Before surgery I could have walked around topless and not gotten into legal trouble. You need nipples to get arrested. Now, I’m just like everyone else. Or I will be when I’m healed.
The idea of being able to flout the law like that was thrilling and exciting. I’ve written before that I feel that the law treats women unfairly in this respect. Men can walk around topless but women cannot. Men’s nipples are just as much sexual organs as women’s are but because women’s breasts are SO sexualized, it is considered pornographic for women to expose their breasts. It’s a ridiculous double standard and very sexist.
I have to wonder: Am I being foolish? I FEEL foolish. I wanted this SO very badly. I nearly killed myself over all of this and now that I have the finish line in sight I’m backing away from it.
What will I be when all this is done? Once I’m healed and tattooed, is that really it? Maybe I’m in some kind of a state of shock? Usually writing for you all helps me sort this stuff out but I’m just as confused as i was when I started writing.
I once knew someone with severe back problems. He had corrective surgery for it but before the surgery he asked me “Who will I be if I’m not broken?” I told him “whole”. but it really isn’t that simple. By the time the tattooing has healed it will be just shy of THREE YEARS of my life that this situation has devoured. THREE YEARS.
Who will I be when I’m not broken?