Regrets? I’ve Had A Few

28 May

I’m a little sad. It’s the end of an era. This means no more flashing. On the one hand I’m thrilled to be just like every other woman. On the other, I’m just like every other woman. I never wanted to be like everybody else in the sense that I hate conformity. But in another sense, I’ve never wanted anything more than to be just like every other woman.

Before surgery I could have walked around topless and not gotten into legal trouble. You need nipples to get arrested.  Now, I’m just like everyone else. Or I will be when I’m healed.

The idea of being able to flout the law like that was thrilling and exciting. I’ve written before that I feel that the law treats women unfairly in this respect. Men can walk around topless but women cannot. Men’s nipples are just as much sexual organs as women’s are but because women’s breasts are SO sexualized, it is considered pornographic for women to expose their breasts. It’s a ridiculous double standard and very sexist.

I have to wonder: Am I being foolish? I FEEL foolish. I wanted this SO very badly. I nearly killed myself over all of this and now that I have the finish line in sight I’m backing away from it.

What will I be when all this is done? Once I’m healed and tattooed, is that really it? Maybe I’m in some kind of a state of shock? Usually writing for you all helps me sort this stuff out but I’m just as confused as i was when I started writing.

I once knew someone with severe back problems. He had corrective surgery for it but before the surgery he asked me “Who will I be if I’m not broken?” I told him “whole”. but it really isn’t that simple. By the time the tattooing has healed it will be just shy of THREE YEARS of my life that this situation has devoured. THREE YEARS.

Who will I be when I’m not broken?


Posted by on May 28, 2010 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “Regrets? I’ve Had A Few

  1. Not Whole

    May 30, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    Hi Maria,

    I wanted to write to you here to tell you that I have a slightly similar situation here, that I myself am not whole. First, I am in fact a male, so it’s not quite that I have been through this exactly, but from my experience I do know the feeling you are going through.

    When I was born, I was born without testicles, so I am unable to bear children. All throughout my early childhood, I knew nothing of this, really. When I was given the “birds and the bees” talk by my father, much younger than most people usually get it, I was also given an entirely different talk – one that introduced me to what I would have to deal with for the rest of my life.

    When I learned of this, honestly, it didn’t bug me that much. I was young, and really had no idea of what it meant in the long run. I was really more worried about what others may think (kids my own age, think changing in gym class, etc), so I received cosmetic surgery when I was 12 to put prosthetic testicles in place. I have also had to have hormone treatment since I was 12 years old, so my growth spurt was essentially engineered to a degree.

    I am now in my late twenties, and I have been majorly depressed in the past 5 or 6 years or so, not not from the lack of completeness physically, but from the inability to have children of my own. I do not shy away from adoption, but I feel that it would not be the same for me. Silly biological urges to continue your own genes, I guess.

    Also, there exists for me the likelihood that any relationship I get in will be truncated when my partner decides she wants to have kids. I know that these sorts of things happen, and it has honestly been my biggest worry recently. I feel like I would be cheating anyone that I get into a serious relationship with out of something special like motherhood.

    However, I have come to realize a few things that has put this in perspective for me. For one, I have come to terms with who I am, though I have not yet come to terms with some of the issues that my problem may cause in the long run.

    I know that I am not whole, but I know that I am also myself, and I would be the same person even if I could be ‘whole’. Also, being a skeptic and being an atheist, I do not regret the decisions I have made to get to this point. Living is all a learning process, and the important part is that we learn our lessons, make our amends, and go through life in the best way we can.

    Maria, you are a great person, you have helped so many people with this blog, and also with your newer pursuit, FledgelingSkeptic. This is who you are, it is who you were, and it is who you will be, with or without nipples. You are, as I gather a great mom, a great wife, and a great person, and that is really what matters.

    • FledgelingSkeptic

      May 31, 2010 at 1:26 am

      I want to thank you publicly for your courage in sharing your story. You are an amazing person and my heart goes out to you. I cannot and WILL not compare myself to you.Yes, I went through a difficult period but you have to deal with your situation for the rest of your life.

      I *would* like to offer you some hope. Any woman you end up with in a long term relationship will love you for for who you are, not who she wants you to be. It may be hard finding her, but when you do, she’ll take that pressure off of you if you let her.

      I also want to remind you of the same thing I tell all my readers: You are NOT alone. I know we’re not going through the same thing. But I want to make you the same offer I make you and the others. Any time you need to talk; any time you need a shoulder to lean on, I’m here.

      And I thank you for the praise. You are definitely more courageous than I have been. YOU know that you are whole within yourself regardless of your body. I was never able to find that until after the initial reconstruction. For someone who says they are so young, you are wise beyond your years my dear. Keep that wisdome close to you when times are difficult and remember that you always have a friendly ear here.


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