But I look like a…GIRL!

15 Jul

Yesterday I got a delivery of a new pair of athletic sandals that I’d be able to wear to the parks when I wanted to go looking a bit more dolled up. I didn’t want to wear hot, heavy tennis shoes that clashed with my casual dress or my skirt (yes, I only own ONE casual dress and ONE casual skirt. On purpose).

But..I look like a GIRL!?!So of course, since I bought these sandals off the Net I wanted to make sure they worked color-wise with the outfits I bought them to go with. So I put on the skirt and the sea green top that looks the best with the beading on the skirt. I happened to catch a glimpse in the mirror of the whole outfit and I was broadsided by a City Bus Of Realization that…I Looked  Like A GIRL!!

For the last two years I’ve been dressing in big, baggy clothes because anything tight exposed my mangled chest to the rest of the world. I didn’t want to do that to my family, let alone the entire population of central Florida. So I wore 2X tees and big, baggy cargo shorts that hid anything even remotely resembling a female figure.

I also spent two years avoiding mirrors, as I’ve mentioned before. I’m guessing this is just another one of those adjustment moments. I just feel conflicted. I’m overweight because, well there are more reasons than I can count. One of them is that I think I wanted to be invisible so people wouldn’t notice my chest. BUT, my hair is bright pink, so I really DON’T want to be invisible. I’m tearing up as I write this because I know that now I have another challenge to face and I’ve done this to myself.

For the last few weeks I’ve been saying that I’d rather be fat and happy than thin and miserable from dieting. I know that to be denial now. I’m just terrified beyond belief that if I lose weight then I’ll lose my breasts again…just in a different way and I will have done it to myself. AGAIN!

Yes, I still partially blame myself for the first time. If I hadn’t been SO insistent and SO obsessive about having “pretty boobies”, I never would have gone with the cheap surgeon. That part, at least, is my fault.

I think what I need to do is talk to Patti at Dr. Elliott’s office and find out for sure before I freak myself out and find a way to mentally justify staying at a weight that isn’t ideal.

In the mean time, here’s the outfit that got me broadsided by the City Bus of Realization.


2 responses to “But I look like a…GIRL!

  1. carol

    July 15, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    I know exactly what you mean. I’ve been “hiding’ myself for quite a while. Couple of horrible life experiences, coupled with a few emotional roller coaster rides, and yeah. Size 18 here I stay.

    Well I’ve started slowly to change my eating habits, my former boss has been my mentor on this, and she’s still my best example of how to accomplish little things.

    I just wish I had been the person she wanted me to be.. so I could still be working there.

    I just wish.. I was employed, or something. I really dont want to loose my car.

    or my kid.

  2. claire

    July 19, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    I don’t usually leave comments on blogs but you look so pretty and happy I had to leave a comment. I am also a patient of Dr Elliott’s. I had cosmetic rather than reconstructive surgery so my experience was different I’m sure. I got a beautiful result and want to reassure that you are in good hands. I understand your reluctance to have more surgery at this time but would encourage you to reconsider nipple reconstruction. I would check with Suzanne about the cost again – the figure you were quoting is I think high. Definitely check about the effect of weight loss before going forward. Also check this out:


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