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Alone

09 Jun

I started this blog so that women going through what I have been through would not feel so alone. They would have someone to talk to who would understand in blazing Technicolor what it’s like to lose such an intimate part of yourself. Now I’m having those feelings and I don’t have anyone to talk to who understands.

Last night I started doing serious research on nipple reconstruction. I had no plans to do anything until late autumn but I like being prepared and knowing what I’m getting into.  My findings showed that a high percentage of nipple reconstructions “fail” (read: Collapse) and a higher percentage develop complications like infection or necrosis.

My skin on my new breasts is SO delicate. It was like tissue paper a few weeks ago when the nurse took off the tapes and it just split in a couple small spots because of the pressure. Granted those were only topical. That tells me though since my skin is so delicate, I would have a higher probability of failure. I have considered nipple piercing with a small gauge bar to keep them erect, but that would proably just hasten the process of collapse.

My other alternative is a pair of custom made silicone nipple prosthetics. I’ve seen a couple websites and you really cannot tell the difference between the two nipples in a woman who has only had one side reconstructed. My problem here is the creator of the prosthetic has nothing to base the new prostheses on. There is also no one in the state of Florida that I have found so far that does custom nipple prostheses. That makes fitting much more difficult.

I don’t have any idea who to ask or where to go to find out if there IS someone more local to me. It is probably my perception, but Ken seems to be avoiding talking about it with me. He does that when he has no idea how to help. And so, I’m feeling very much alone.

Couple that with the realization that no matter what I do, I will never be the same and you’ve got a big nasty cauldron of bubbling emotions ready to spew forth and broil the crap out of some poor innocent bystander. I’ve already stuffed the dog out in the back yard because he was barking too much. Who’s next?

I’m having a bad day. Three days in a row of excessive activity has put me to the point that I had to take a 1/2 a Darvocet on top of it all. This is the first time in two weeks that I had to drag out the BIG pain meds. I know I overdid it but it still feels like a setback. But then, I’m already in bad shape as it is.

For the first time writing this blog, I feel vulnerable. As if I’ve said too much. There will probably be a Podcaster party at DragonCon again this year and I had planned to possibly show off the new Girls. For the first time in a LONG time I’m afraid of what people will think if they read this and then see me at D*C.

 

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