This morning I had a breakthrough. After spending SO many months avoiding looking in the mirror, I finally saw myself during a dressing change. And I mean REALLY saw myself. I took in the full view of myself from the waist up that I had been avoiding for most of the last TWO YEARS!!
I have breasts. I have beautiful, new breasts. *I*, the (formerly) mangled, mutated, sub-human Thing…have BREASTS!! They’re rounded and firm and bouncey and beautiful and MOST importantly…They’re MINE!! Oh My God! I HAVE BREASTS!!!!
When it finally registered and I took it all in, I laughed and cried at the same time. For a good 10 minutes I shook with this wonderful mix of joy and relief. Tears coursed down my cheeks as I laughed with pure, raw emotion. I haven’t had this sort of visceral reaction since my children were born.
My dear, darling husband Ken brushed the tears away and laughed with me. Then he did an amazing thing. He stood behind me and cupped his hands over my pretty new breasts and pressed himself against me romantically nibbling on the nape of my neck.
For those who, Thank Goodness, have never had to endure anything like what I have gone through, I can genuinely say that this single experience has done more for making me feel whole again than any other. Even if it takes a while for nipple reconstruction I can genuinely say that I feel like myself again.
I am whole in my heart.