I just got off the phone with a gentleman at Northside Hospital in Atlanta. He called to ask a few questions and then let me know when my pre-surgical call with the hospital is. On April 9th I’ve got to call and talk to a nurse at the awful hour of 8:30 am.
Do people actually get UP at that hour??
Yes, yes, I know. This *could* be construed as laziness. *I* prefer to think of it as severe depression that I REALLY ought to see someone about. But as I have NO money and no medical insurance, I’m using natural methods. Essential oils, herbal teas and dietary therapies seem to be stemming the tide of the deep crushing despair.
You would think that getting the news that I’m going to be having the surgery after all would reverse the situation. But no. Not completely. It adds the component of guilt to the equation which definitely dampens the happiness of having boobs again and getting to go bra shopping.
Why guilt? Like many other people, our finances took a HUGE hit. Business has been WAY down until the last couple weeks. So we made plans to rent out the house we live in and buy a cheap foreclosure. We can’t afford both. So now I feel like I’ve put masive pressure on our finances by “being selfish”.
And so…I have guilt. I don’t really know if I’m being selfish and putting my desires above the good of the family. Or am I protecting my family from further damage should I actually carry out my previous plan to kill myself? Which, is a selfish act too.
I covered that in my last entry though. I talked about how, all of a sudden, loved ones make YOUR suicide all about THEM. So I’m having real problems understanding what is considered selfish and what qualifies as self-preservation.
What also sucks vaccuously is that I won’t allow myself to get excited about having new boobs or bra shopping or any of that yet. I’m watching this winged shoe circling overhead, waiting for it to drop with a resounding THUD when something goes horiffically wrong.
I can actually SEE the Far Side cartoon. A person dressed in hunting gear, a shotgun pointed towards the sky. One shoe already lays off to the side, twitching a wing. The caption reads “Why wait for it to drop?” or “Screw that! I’m gonna get my own pair!”. Or…something much wittier 🙂