To Be Human Again…

02 Apr

I know I’ve neglected this space for far too long. There has been a great deal going on while I’ve been away from here.

My surgery has been rescheduled for April 16th. I had an important event that was supposedly coming up at the same time as my surgery. I’ve since found out that the conference isn’t going to happen after all. So I suppose this is for the best really. This way I get it done and over with and I can start getting on with my life rather than being in this perpetual holding pattern I’ve been in for the last two years.

It’s been really scary since my last post though. With the stock market crash, our radical decrease in business and our inability to sell our house, our finances have been in a tail spin. We were actually planning to buy a cheap house for cash, rent out the place we’re living in now and Ken would get a job at Disney like he’s always wanted to do.

Unfortunately we’ve lost out on three houses, one being a termite breeding ground that we let go and the others we were outbid on. So we gave up that idea after three months of trying. Those three houses were only the ones in Orlando, too. That doesn’t even begin to touch on the four in Atlanta we lost out on after about 8 months of trying on and off there.

During that three months I was looking at not having the surgery because we couldn’t afford to do both. I was in a severe depression and really I still am though not quite as badly. The depression has been so severe that I planned my suicide. Ken kept saying that it’s not like I would never have the surgery. We would just have to wait until the investments began paying off. Those, however, won’t start paying out well for about two to three years. At that point I would have been looking at a total of 4-5 years of being this mangled, deformed, sub-human thing that I am right now.

Have you ever noticed how, when you tell someone close to you that you had been contemplating suicide, it suddenly becomes all about them?? “How could you do this to me?” “Do I really mean that little to you?” “Why would you hurt ME like that?”?? What the HELL??

Anyway… I’ve talked to the PA at my surgeon’s office repeatedly to have questions answered about the Latissimus Flap procedure ( posted a link in a previous entry). It’s the safest one for a woman of my size. It will have the best blood flow to the tissues. There is a less than 1% chance of necrosis and even if it does occur it will only be, at most, a quarter-sized piece at the end of the flap where there is the least amount of blood flow. In the 24 years Dr. Elliott has been doing this procedure he has only lost one flap. So I feel pretty confident that things will be okay.

On the other hand I’m still terrified that something bad is going to happen. I’ll be waiting for that other shoe to drop. I PROBABLY won’t relax until about 2 months after the surgery. And THEN I’ve got nipple reconstruction. I’m still contemplating whether or not I’m going to have that done. I MAY just go with prosthetic nipples. Or I may wait for a while. Although nipple reconstruction is done in the clinic and it’s and in and out sort of thing.  BUT it’s more surgery.

I think maybe I’ll wait and see how I feel once everything is finished with the reconstruction.

While I’m relieved that I’ll be having the surgery I can’t help but feel like something of a burden. Finances will be really, really tight for a while. I feel selfish on one hand, but on the other, I just can’t live like this. No matter what people say, *I* still have to live in this body and I hate the way I feel.

I wear a training-style bra all the time now so that I don’t have to look at the wreckage that is my chest. I can’t remember the last time I looked in the mirror and thought something positive about myself, other than my hair, which has been a saving grace.

It will be a relief when this is all over and I feel human again.


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