13 Nov

After my last post, Ken led me into our bedroom, handed me my shoes and bag and led me out to the car.  He *knew* I needed to get out of here.  Since we have annual passes to DisneyWorld, we went to Animal Kingdom and saw our two favorite stage shows “Finding Nemo: The Musical” (mine) and “Festival of the Lion King” (his).  It was a great distraction until I got home again.

Yesterday he took me to see “Zack and Miri Make a Prono”.  I love Kevin Smith movies and that was a really sweet film.  Oh and for anyone keeping track of such things I WANT a Monroeville Zombies hockey jersey for Xmas.  Tell @SantaClause25 on Twitter 😀

It was another great distraction.  So was the shopping I did yesterday and the craft project I’m planning and work and school and the promotion I’m doing for the national equality rally on Nov. 15

It’s ALL a great distraction.  As I’ve said before I tend to push myself very hard.  I’ll keep pushing and pushing until I hurt myself.  I’ve managed to do that yet again.

I’m so ANGRY with myself because I keep thinking I should be over this.  I should be able to deal with it better. I SHOULD be able to stand up and talk about this coherently without breaking down in tears while simply typing about how I’m feeling.

But I can’t.  And I feel like a failure to myself and others because I can’t.

I talked to my Mom a couple days ago at length about this.  She had something similar happen with her reconstruction after a double radical mastectomy and second stage breast cancer.   She told me that she has never completely emotionally recovered from it.

So I wonder: Is it the same for every woman who goes through breast trauma?  Even moreso, is it the same for everyone who loses part of their body?

Do any of us ever really recover?  Are we ever really the same? Or do we just keep pretending for the sake of everyone around us? Buck up soldier. Put on that brave face so that no one around you knows that inside, we’re all grieving?  Is that all that’s left? A brave performance?

I suspect that with the holiday season looming, many of us will be doing just that: putting on a brave face so that our loved ones will feel better.  Who needs acting lessons when we have family?


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