Scared and guilty

13 Oct

It was a good day today.  I managed to distract myself for most of the day.  Unfortunately these nagging feelings keep bleeding through.  I can’t seem to shake them and I wonder if maybe I should see a therapist.

There was an afternoon in early January of this year while I was still on the V.A.C. machine when I became SO depressed that I looked for a way to kill myself.  If there had been prescription narcotics in the house I would have overdosed.  So instead I called Suicide Hotline.  The woman on the other end saved my life.  She reminded me that I could help people and that, even though I couldn’t see it right now, there was an end to all of this.  She reminded me that one day in the not-so-distant future everything would be made right.

The clattering of the V.A.C. machine every 5 minutes was, for me,  a constant reminder that I had brought this horrific situation on myself.  Because I HAD to have pretty breasts, I now had two holes in my chest and the healing wasn’t going the way the nurses at KCI said it would.  I just wanted it all to be over with and the only way, in my extremely depressed state, that I could see that happening was to kill myself.

So there’s part of the guilt there.  I still blame myself for what has happened.

And the fear?  I live in terror that the same thing will happen again after the reconstruction surgery.  I have found the best reconstruction surgeon in the southeast.  This doctor studied under the surgeon who invented the TRAM flap breast reconstruction procedure, which was the most safe and ingenious way to reconstruct a cancer survivor’s breast at that time.  He’s world renowned and teaches world wide.

Nonetheless I am totally terrified.

On the other hand, I cannot continue to live like this.  I’m not mentally ready yet, but I know that, for my own mental wellbeing, I cannot stay like this.  When I look in the mirror I see a mutilated, maimed thing.  Not a human chest.  I can’t live like that forever.

And so I do what I can to keep myself busy.  I work. I do schoolwork. I go out to various places and I do my best to keep my mind on other things.

But at night, when I’m lying in bed before I fall asleep, some nights it’s difficult.

On October 24th I have an official consultation with the reconstructive surgeon.  Maybe I’ll be able to start putting the fear behind me then.


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