07.15.09
But I look like a…GIRL!
Yesterday I got a delivery of a new pair of athletic sandals that I’d be able to wear to the parks when I wanted to go looking a bit more dolled up. I didn’t want to wear hot, heavy tennis shoes that clashed with my casual dress or my skirt (yes, I only own ONE casual dress and ONE casual skirt. On purpose).
So of course, since I bought these sandals off the Net I wanted to make sure they worked color-wise with the outfits I bought them to go with. So I put on the skirt and the sea green top that looks the best with the beading on the skirt. I happened to catch a glimpse in the mirror of the whole outfit and I was broadsided by a City Bus Of Realization that…I Looked Like A GIRL!!
For the last two years I’ve been dressing in big, baggy clothes because anything tight exposed my mangled chest to the rest of the world. I didn’t want to do that to my family, let alone the entire population of central Florida. So I wore 2X tees and big, baggy cargo shorts that hid anything even remotely resembling a female figure.
I also spent two years avoiding mirrors, as I’ve mentioned before. I’m guessing this is just another one of those adjustment moments. I just feel conflicted. I’m overweight because, well there are more reasons than I can count. One of them is that I think I wanted to be invisible so people wouldn’t notice my chest. BUT, my hair is bright pink, so I really DON’T want to be invisible. I’m tearing up as I write this because I know that now I have another challenge to face and I’ve done this to myself.
For the last few weeks I’ve been saying that I’d rather be fat and happy than thin and miserable from dieting. I know that to be denial now. I’m just terrified beyond belief that if I lose weight then I’ll lose my breasts again…just in a different way and I will have done it to myself. AGAIN!
Yes, I still partially blame myself for the first time. If I hadn’t been SO insistent and SO obsessive about having “pretty boobies”, I never would have gone with the cheap surgeon. That part, at least, is my fault.
I think what I need to do is talk to Patti at Dr. Elliott’s office and find out for sure before I freak myself out and find a way to mentally justify staying at a weight that isn’t ideal.
In the mean time, here’s the outfit that got me broadsided by the City Bus of Realization.
06.29.09
Invisibility
I’ve talked about this once before but I wanted to expand on it. It seems to me that when someone is in a wheel chair, suddenly you no longer exist to the outside world. Since you are below eye level, many people stop noticing your very existence. Until you bellow at the top of your lungs a polite “Excuse Me!!” or a cheerful “Beep Beep!!”
I’ve been in a wheel chair for nine weeks at Disney World. This is mainly because my endurance level is very low. But it IS getting better. Sunday I was able to go three and a half hours without needing a chair. And that’s after walking the day before at IKEA for two hours unassisted.
Sure, this is annoying. But there’s another type of invisibility I want to talk about. It’s the kind of invisibility that you as a survivor of any kind of trauma probably see on a regular basis. Here’s an example.
Say you’re a cancer survivor going through chemo. The hair has gone bye by so you wear a bandanna on your head. People will look your direction, recognize the reason for the bandanna, get that tell tale look of pity and then look away.
Before I had my reconstruction surgery and my chest was still mangled, there were times I saw that look and then the look away. The quick dip of the chin and the briefly closed eyes say “Damn that sucks”. And the quick steps in the opposite direction speak volumes of “Glad that’s not me”.
I don’t expect anything else. Not really. I don’t expect that suddenly people will start being more conscious of wheelchairs. I don’t expect people to suddenly feel comfortable around survivors of trauma. I don’t think most people know how to deal with it anyway. It’s just one of those things that’s part of dealing with the human species.
I think this is one of the reasons that I have kept my hair pink. So that I wouldn’t be invisible. It also drew attention away from my chest. It seems to have acted as bright pink camouflage in a way. Hair slight of hand.
I have a new quote that I came up with today. Feel free to use it and give me credit.
“The idea is not to fit in. The idea is to stand out.” – Maria Myrback
