11.04.09
Check Up Part 3
I forgot to include something in yesterday’s post. Dr. Elliott had mentioned that he wanted to make sure that my breast tissue has become softer. For the first few weeks right after surgery, my new boobies were really hard and stiff. They were actually very hard. It reminded me of how hard my breasts were after the initial implant surgery.
I pointed out a place across the top of my left breast that, to me, felt harder that the rest of the breast tissue. After gently prodding at it a bit in examination Dr. Elliott explained that the harder area is the top of the muscle flap. He also explained that in comparison to what HE meant my hard it was actually very soft and pliant.
Something that I found to be extremely bizarre is that where I thought had keloid scarring, upon examination, appeared to have nothing of the sort. I am chalking this up to a slightly poor fitting Caique bra from Lane Bryant. It is just a little too small and it makes the scar line feel a little lumpy after a whole day of wearing that type of bra.
That’s one more reason to have a proper bra fitting done. Even if you think it’s been done properly, sometimes it hasn’t. Even though their customer service is really, REALLY bad,
11.03.09
Check Up Part 2
Dr. Elliott is EXTREMELY pleased with how well the Twins are doing. He’s thrilled with how much they’ve softened and how well the scars are fading. He’s also pleased with how my back looks.
While he was looking and “groping” (forgive me Dr. Elliott, I don’t know what else to call it when you check to see how they feel) we talked about the things I was curious about. First, I found out the reason my back has that plasticky feeling like someone set down a layer of plastic wrap across a wide section of my back.
The reason for that is that he basically disected my back, probably doing more surgical maneuvering back there than in my chest. The crackly feeling is where scar tissue has formed in kind of a sheet. It will probably take another six months or so for that to release. He gave the same prognosis for the numb areas, although those could take even longer.
We also talked about how subjective the term “recovery” is. You “recover” in the recovery room. You “recover” in the hospital. You “recover” after the surgery and that can take over a year dependent on which aspect of healing we’re talking about. For instance it took me about six months to get my endurance level back to where it was. Some people take more time. Others take less.
It’s subjective.
We also discussed nipple reconstruction. I told him it probably wouldn’t be until this time next year. He said it didn’t matter. We could do it tomorrow, next week or five years from now. Personally *I* was just relieved that he wasn’t planning to retire any time soon.
Another thing we touched on was doing a breast lift. His concern is that there wouldn’t be much point to it because as heavy as the Twins are, they would end up right back where they are in no time at all. I would have to lose at least 30 pounds before it would become feasible.
My big issue with that is around that point the Twins will start getting smaller. As I’ve written before, to watch them shrink away is like watching my original breasts rot away. I just can’t handle that right now. I just can’t. As i sit here typing I can feel the panic rising and the tears filling my eyes. I CAN’T lose them again.
Okay, okay, I know logically that I’m not losing them. They’re a part of me and I love them dearly. I’m just SO not ready for that. And for the first time in my life I’m content to weigh 218.
We also discussed the two little places on my sides that look like little handles. he called them puckers I think. (Dr. Elliott, if you read this please leave a comment and correct my verbage). He said they were normal and occurred as part of the surgery. We could do a little lipo to lessen them but to tuck the skin would require another incision. Dr. Elliott didn’t seem very keen on another couple of incisions on me and I’m really quite okay with that. He explained that when you do the tummy tuck type breast reconstruction you get the same thing at the hip bone area.
Dr. Elliott made a point of mentioning that he was SO happy we had gone with the latissimus flap reconstruction rather than the tummy tuck. We both had been extremely concerned about possible complications. The tummy tuck procedure simply carries more risk and more risk was the LAST thing I needed.
So all in all the Twins are doing great. He wants to see me again Aprilish for my one year check up. In the mean time I REALLY hope that he checks in. He seemed really interested in my blogs.
And in case I haven’t said it enough, he’s an amazing doctor. Every woman who has to go through reconstruction for ANY reason should go see Dr. Elliott at Atlanta Plastic Surgery (http://www.atlplastic.com).
10.09.09
Persistent Situational Depression
April 16th was a very good day. Aside from the morphine I was fortunate enough to get my breasts back. Not the originals, of course. These are the new and improved version. In JumboVision.
Yet it has taken me until today to see even more than a glimpse of my old self. I’ve been going through the motions of living distracting myself with new projects (http://www.fledgelingskeptic.wordpress.com) and just getting through the day-to-day aspects of living.
This afternoon I saw, for just a little while, that adventurous me. This is the part of me that takes unrestrained joy in just throwing a handful of clothes in a bag, getting in the car and driving just to see where we end up. If I had my way I wouldn’t be writing this entry right now. I’d be packing and getting ready to leave for who knows where.
Sadly, I don’t get to have my way. So that’s a bit depressing. This is the first time in years that I’ve seen that side of myself and it has been denied. Hubby would rather make plans for the weekend and stick with those.
While I’m depressed that I’m not going to be able to express that long-buried part of myself, I am so very happy to see that it still exists. I really thought it had long since died off. No more spontaneity. Ever.
I think that I had just gone through so much for so long that I got stuck in a situation-based depressive state. Now, almost six months after reconstruction, I’m finally returning to my old self.
I think it’s probably going to take a little while longer. I still have quite a bit of emotional recovering to do. I’m looking forward to the time that I don’t get sad during the first few weeks of October. I know that time will come. I just have to get to that point.
As people keep telling me, healing takes time. It’s not just the physical body that needs to recover. It’s everything else; the mental and emotional as well. It’s just a matter of time.
10.01.09
Things They Don’t Tell You
As I continue to heal I figure things out. The latest is the reason my chest ached for longer than it could have. Keep in mind before the initial surgery I was a B+/C- cup. Little boobies…by comparison anyway.
I had heard about back pain caused by larger breasts but no one ever told me that they could ache and hurt just from their own weight. For quite a while after the surgery I wore shelf bras because they were so comfortable. Even after I was cleared to wear a bra, I still, for some time, preferred to wear the shelf bras.
BUT when I did, there were times when my cleavage ached as though there was a small elephant standing on it. It wasn’t until I talked to my best friend about it. Her girls are almost the same size as mine and are completely natural so I know she has experience with this.
I’m just chalking this up to another thing they just don’t think to tell you.
09.30.09
Keloid Scars
I may I have covered this topic before but not as it applied to me, personally. I noticed something last night after I took off my bra. There is a two to three inch area on the underside of each of my new breasts that has some keloid scarring. These spots didn’t have tape on them consistently as they are furthest out towards my sides and the tape kept coming off there.
Imagine if skin could simmer like water and then be frozen in that state. That’s what keloid scars look like. Here’s a photo of keloid scars on someone’s chest.
Doctors do not understand exactly why keloids form in certain people or situations and not in others. Changes in the cellular signals that control growth and proliferation could be related to the process of keloid formation, but these changes have not yet been characterized scientifically.
The methods now available to treat keloids are:
- Cortisone injections (intralesional steroids): These are safe and not very painful. Injections are usually given once per month until the maximum benefit is obtained. Injections are safe (very little steroid gets into the bloodstream) and usually help flatten keloids; however, steroid injections can also make the flattened keloid redder by stimulating the formation of more superficial blood vessels. (These can be treated using a laser; see below.) The keloid may look better after treatment than it looked to start with, but even the best results leave a mark that looks and feels quite different from the surrounding skin.
- Surgery: This is risky, because cutting a keloid can trigger the formation of a similar or even larger keloid. Some surgeons achieve success by injecting steroids or applying pressure dressings to the wound site after cutting away the keloid. Radiation after surgical excision has also been used.
- Laser: The pulsed-dye laser can be effective at flattening keloids and making them look less red. Treatment is safe and not very painful, but several treatment sessions may be needed. These may be costly, since such treatments are not generally covered by insurance plans.
- Silicone sheets: This involves wearing a sheet of silicone gel on the affected area for several hours a day for weeks or months, which is hard to sustain. Results are variable. Some doctors claim similar success with compression dressings made from materials other than silicone.
- Cryotherapy: Freezing keloids with liquid nitrogen may flatten them but often darkens the site of treatment.
- Interferon: Interferons are proteins produced by the body’s immune systems that help fight off viruses, bacteria, and other challenges. In recent studies, injections of interferon have shown promise in reducing the size of keloids, though it’s not yet certain whether that effect will be lasting. Current research is underway using a variant of this method, applying topical imiquimod (Aldara), which stimulates the body to produce interferon.
- Fluorouracil: Injections of this chemotherapy agent, alone or together with steroids, have been used as well for treatment of keloids.
- Radiation: Some doctors have reported safe and effective use of radiation to treat keloids.
This is not a very common complication, but it can happen. There doesn’t seem to be a bias. It happens equally in men and women as well as all ethnicities.
08.04.09
Progressively Moving Backward
I am incredibly frustrated at how slowly I seem to be healing. Is this my body’s way of saying “Sit down and shut up!”? I had a couple days of higher level activity and last night I ended up taking half a Darvocet because I was spiking a 3-4 on the Oh-My-God-It-Really-Fucking-Hurts o’meter. Today I was a little sore but no big deal so I sorted piles of old mail. Now I’m at about a three again. I feel like I did two weeks out of surgery. I am ready and raring to go but my body itself keeps planting a metaphorical hand in my chest and shoving me back into the chair. I can almost hear some big tough guy from the Bent Nose Brigade telling me “Siddown an Shaddap”.
What’s sad is that in the back of my mind I feel like I’m being lazy. I feel like I should be doing SOMETHING. Yes I understand on a logical level that writing this blog helps people and that’s doing something. With our finances the way they are though and this being our business slow season I feel like I should be doing something to contribute economically to our household.
People tell me, and I’ve passed this advice on to others, my job is to heal. But for how LONG? Someone emailed me a few days ago saying she wants her life back.
So do I sweetie. So do I.
07.30.09
Evening Out
When I first had the reconstruction surgery on April 16th, and for some time after, it seemed to me as though my new right breast was bigger than the left. That is, of course, normal for women who are right-side dominant. But this was WAY out of proportion from what I could see.
Why? Because when you use one side more than the other, that right pectoral muscle is going to build up more and so the right breast (or left if you’re left handed) will be a bit larger.
Last night I took some time to really look in the mirror. Yes the right breast is still just a little bit bigger than the left. But not nearly as much as it was. I can only guess that whatever swelling there was has *finally* gone down all the way. So my breasts are evening out after three and a half months. YAY for progress!
07.29.09
Under-Do??
I found this old draft and thought I would revisit some of the more pertinent issues I dealt with during my process. This post was originally started on 4/27/09, 11 days after my latissimus flap breast reconstruction surgery.
It seems as though practically over night, the color of the drainage has gone from Ruby Grapefruit to Apple Juice. I’m taking that as an encouraging sign. Although when I wake up, my back still feels like there are rocks under my skin.
Moving definitely helps. Though I’m not sure how much is too much. I don’t want to over do and hurt myself that way. But it seems that under-doing is just as bad and has the potential for lengthening my recovery. So I’m doing something I hate to do. I’ve told Ken that when he sees fit, if I’m not in pain, he’s to take me for a walk.
Poor Ken has to do so much. Not only is he taking care of me but he’s also keeping up with the household needs and the business. I’ve been so out of it, I’ve actually had to ask him on numerous occasions WHEN I need to take my meds.
The pain meds are really helpful but they’re draining me of the ability to think. It takes me about 30 minutes to write one of these daily entries. Granted, I am a lightweight when it comes to intoxication of any sort. But it’s still frustrating. I feel disjointed and I have no memory.
Eleven days after surgery I’m guessing that’s to be expected. It’s just really frustrating not being able to remember things that are really important. Like how long ago I took meds that could REALLY mess me up if I forget and take a double dosage. If I wait TOO long though, then there’s real trouble with the pain. Once the meds start wearing off, my options are 1) Take more or 2) Sit very, very still until I CAN take more.
The bad part is that if I wait, the it takes longer for the meds to kick in and they’re not as effective because they have more pain to battle. So I’m walking a very fine line here. And this is a line that my dear Hubby is in charge of because my brain is about as useful as cottage cheese.
07.28.09
Weighty Issues
In “Midnight eMails” I asked Dr. Elliott a few things I had forgotten to cover in the office. One of those things had to do with weight loss and breast volume/size. In an earlier post I talked about how terrifying it would be to lose my breasts again because I lost a lot of weight.
It turns out that because this is living tissue, I would lose volume or size if I lose more than 30 pounds. So now I have a dilemma to consider later on down the road. I have no intention right now of intentionally trying to lose weight. At least I’ll know for the future and I can make a more informed decision.
Right now I have so much more to deal with. Like healing. Healing from the next surgery. Continuing to make the mental adjustments to where I am now. All of that is enough of a task for the time being.
07.27.09
Talk Dirty To Me
I admit it. I have a problem communicating my needs to my partner sometimes. I really don’t want to be a bother or a burden. I’ve been enough of that already in our 13 years of marriage. When it comes to things for the house or for others, I have no problem talking to him about those needs or desires. When it comes to my personal needs, especially when it comes to my breasts, I just seize up and turn silent.
I had it stuck in my head that my breasts were ugly, wedge shaped flaps of skin and for my 40th birthday I wanted beautiful breasts. Honestly I’ve always wanted beautiful breasts since the bra fitter at the local store when I was 15 said I should have teardrop shaped breasts and I didn’t. Of course at that age ANY girl is looking in a broken mirror. But that right there is the first incident that set me up for this screaming disaster.
Ken said if I could find a way to have the surgery then I could. So I did. I found a surgeon who was part of our barter network in Orlando. I checked him out and found that he had no record of misconduct and no pending or former law suits. To my eager mind, it was perfect. So I scheduled the surgery. If you haven’t read my blog before, please go back and read the first post to see what happened.
What is a barter network? It works like this: Say you have a product or service that someone pays you $100 for. You then take that $100 barter dollars and use it with anyone else in that barter network OR its affiliate networks. This surgeon was in that network. I’ve also gotten contact lenses, housekeeping, printing and LOTS of other stuff on barter. So it just made sense to me because I wanted pretty boobies THAT BADLY. I was obsessed.
Of course after the implants came out, the surgeon said he would perform the reconstruction for no additional cost. My bad decision had already cost us enough so I agreed to make Ken happy. I didn’t want to be any more of a burden than I had already been with all the appointments and V.A.C. bandage changes. As mangled and emotionally messed up as I was, I was convinced, even though Ken had never given any indication, that if I made any more waves, I could end up alone.
It took my best friend threatening to kill him while we were up in Atlanta for a visit (goodness knows she was serious) if he took me back to the guy who did this to me in the first place. I just wasn’t brave enough to tell him what I needed. I was just SO terrified that I felt frozen in place. I can only guess that he was going through his own mental issues because he never seemed to notice how terrified I was when we went to see the surgeon. But then, I used to act, so I put on the brave face of a good soldier and just dealt with it. After all, I was damaged goods in my mind. If I made too many waves, he would well within his rights just to leave. That’s how insecure, neurotic and emotional I was.
I would like to think that eventually I would have found the courage to tell my husband what I really needed but I honestly don’t know. I’m grateful that I had someone in my life who knew just by looking at me that there was something terribly wrong.
My point here is that if you’re going through a really difficult time like this, find a way to talk to your partner. If you have to write a letter or even seek out a therapist, do it. Communication with your partner is the most important tool in your tool box. In all likelihood, your partner feels just as helpless as you do.
