11.12.09
How To Tell?
This post is going to be even more personal that I usually am about my experiences. Those who have issues with bisexuality or sex outside of marriage should skip this post and come back tomorrow for more about dehisience.
First, for anyone that hasn’t read my Twitter or Facebook profile or doesn’t know me personally, I’m bisexual. That means that I am attracted to both men and women. Not ALL men and not ALL women. Just, well, just the ones I think are cute.
When I realize six years ago that I’m attracted to both genders, hubby and I sat down and we had a series of discussions. Several of those discussions covered dating. Thanks to a book called “The Bisexual’s Guide To The Universe” we laid down rules that we were both comfortable with so that I could actually experience what it would be like to be with another woman.
That was four years ago.
I’ve been on a few dates and even had a short term girlfriend. Nothing ever happened though.
Now I’ve met someone and I like her. If things keep progressing I can see where this might go.
But there’s a problem.
I have NO idea how to tell her about what happened. How do you tell someone that you’re…incomplete? I’m sure divorced and single cancer survivors have had to go through this. And I understand that it’s not just something you blurt out.
Nothing puts a damper on a fun evening like “Oh by the way my boobs rotted off, I had to get them reconstructed and in case I haven’t freaked you out enough yet, I have no nipples.”.
Yeah. THAT’S a real show stopper.
I don’t want to just give her my blog URL either. That’s a WHOLE lot of trauma right there as my regular readers know. And I REALLY like this woman. I don’t want to scare her away.
I’m thinking that if or when this turns romantic, that’s when I’ll tell her. But I have to tell her soon enough that it doesn’t seem like I’m keeping secrets but not so soon that I scare her off. She’s had to deal with enough medical crap herself lately as it is.
As for the actual telling part, I’ve learned that starting with the phrase “We need to talk.” or “There’s something I have to tell you”. usually sets someone on edge. I need to find an opener that will set her at ease. Maybe “There’s something I want to trust you with”. Perhaps “Can I confide in you?”.
I guess this is just something I’m going to have to work on. I’ve got about a week before I see her next, so I have a bit of time. Trust me, you all will probably hear about this again.
After all you already know that Ken enjoys the Twins and he doesn’t seem to care that I don’t have nipples yet. But that’s because my first set was so sensitive that he couldn’t really do anything with them anyway. This is definitely a different twist to this tale though.
11.11.09
The ER – Pt. 2
Let’s hope I can finish this part of the story tonight. I genuinely feel like I’m going to throw up. It’s amazing how visceral my reactions still are even after all this time.
By this point I was absolutely furious but I felt totally helpless to do anything. The news that I couldn’t be stitched back up was devastating. Couple that with the results of the culture and I was even more of a basket case than before. The culture discovered five different types of bacteria: three of which the tech never even heard of. So they put up a bag of the most badass antibiotics they had.
Unfortunately about 1/2 way through the bag I started getting EXTREMELY itchy. My throat started swelling a few minutes later and it became a bit difficult to breathe. Well Ken called the nurse and within a minute or so he had a syringe of something in the IV. He SLAMMED the plunger in and within moments I felt like I was going to pass out.
I got tunnel vision and then the tunnel started narrowing. My body felt very heavy and I felt like I was being pushed down. I told the nurse that I thought I was going to pass out. His reply was “Isn’t it a good thing you’re in the hospital then?”.
So…yeah. I was allergic to the first antibiotic. So they put up something else really badass and I was off again. This one made me a little itchy too so the nurse injected a little syringe of something else. This time much more slowly. In a matter of moments I was doing just fine and made it through the entire bag.
After a bag and a half of serious antibiotics, they also made an appointment for me with an infection specialist. Then one of the nurses packed my chest and they sent me home.
07.19.09
Briefs
***I’m STILL waiting for a call from Dr. Elliott regarding the whole weight loss/losing boobie volume issue. This is really the first time I’ve actually been truly disappointed with him. He didn’t call last week nor did his PA. Needless to say I’m somewhat miffed. I’ll be looking for an explanation when I call on Monday. I know he sees patients then.
***I heard back from Paul about the prosthetic nipples. He said he can do anything I want. So NOW all I have to do is decide what I want. Not as easy as it sounds. If I decide not to opt for surgery, these babies are my nips for life. Or until the wear out and I have to get new ones.
Mail order nipples… Now THERE’S a modern concept for ya.
***A friend of mine from another site who just recently started reading my blog said that I need to “pull myself out of the Abyss”. Someone else pointed out that the word “survivor” is frequently used as a crutch. Now THAT took the wind out of my sails. Those two comments have me wondering just how much of this blog consists of me whining about how truly awful things have been. I would LIKE to think that there is some helpful information in all of this. As for pulling myself out of the Abyss, THAT is what this blog is about for me. I have been in some very dark places since this all began. The things I’ve been discussing are surface issues by comparison. I know I still have healing to do.
There are times when I’m not very good at recognizing my limitations and boundaries. This is one of those times. I’m still somewhat enmeshed in the misery I suffered. Some days it clings to me like cobwebs. I wonder how much longer this sorrow will be with me. I suspect it will be years more because I have a book to write.
I also have allowed a few people to have a great deal of influence in my life. I wonder sometimes how much I’m doing just to make them happy and how much of what I do are things that *I* want for me. It’s difficult when I can’t seem to separate my desires from theirs FOR me. Not long ago I was explaining to someone that I tend to analyze the crap out of everything. So I am. It’s just part of the “Maria” package.
***That troublesome spot on my back has mostly scabbed over. Now it’s just a matter of time before it completely heals up. The wet-to-dry bandages really helped. The other side that had separated and scabbed is healed up now and has blended into the rest of the scar line.
***Intimacy has the most beautiful bras and panties for DDD+ cup sizes. The engineering that goes into these bras is phenomenal. Unfortunately, their customer service is HORRIBLE! I’ve had to keep calling multiple times to check on a back order. I called three times and left two messages before someone called me back to let me know that my original fitter was no longer with the company. Then it took 20 minutes for them to find my original back order paperwork and verify that those items were ones I still wanted. At that point, after being placed on hold for about 5 minutes I was told they were out of stock but would be getting them in soon.
Six weeks later I got a message saying that my back order was in. So I called back, ended up leaving two messages in a week and FINALLY got a human being a week after that. It took another 20 minutes to find and verify my back order ONLY to be told that they were out of one item that I ordered and it would have to be shipped from the Boston store.
If Intimacy could just get their act together customer service-wise, they would be more popular than Victoria’s Secret. Intimacy’s lingerie is better made, more supportive and will last longer. PLUS they offer life time tailoring. If you lose a substantial amount of weight, they will tailor your bras to fit as many times as you want.
07.13.09
Bra Day Redux
After wearing my pretty blue Prima Donna Kensington bra (http://tinyurl.com/npkxnm) and panties today, I have great news to report. The skin on my back has healed sufficiently so as to not tear under pressure the way it did last time I tried to wear a bra. That was right after my one month check up.
I wore the bra for about 9 hours today and found it to be VERY comfortable. I only had to adjust the band once. I’ve also healed enough to be able to feel the bra strap on my back. For the most part at least. My nerves have not completely healed yet. There are still areas of numbness but not to the extent that they were. Those numb areas are actually getting more pronounced feeling as time passes. Eventually I’ll actually be able to feel everything on my back again.
In other words, if my fingers slip and I snap myself with my bra band, I now KNOW I snapped myself. Sometimes pain is something to grudgingly accept. In this case it indicates progress in healing.
Yay pain??
I’m not sure if this progress means that I’m going to dive head first into daily bra wearing again. Somehow, I don’t think so. The bras are beautiful and they do lovely things for the TWINS, as you have all borne witness to. I’m really rather enjoying using the shelf bras though. Even though the Prima Donna bras ARE comfortable, the shelf bras are even more comfortable.
While I do think I’ll be wearing bras more often, I think that for the time being I’m going to stick with my shelf bras as my daily wear mainstay. That may change with a little more time. I’m just going to have to take it as it comes and see what happens. As usual.
06.23.09
9 1/2 Weeks
From the title of the post, it’s pretty obvious what today’s topic is.
Medical updates.
The spot on my back is still troublesome. It’s not really getting any better. I’m still not too worried about it though as no one else at Dr. Elliott’s office is overly concerned. Last night Ken said he thinks I should “be seen” by Dr. Elliott’s contemporary down here, Dr. Roxanne Guy. I have an appointment for Thursday.
Honestly, I am SICK of “being seen”. I am SO over all of this medical crap. I just want to get ON with my life. I think that’s part of the reason I’ve started doing Ta Ta Tuesday. Even though I may not be completely done with all of this, I want to start enjoying the completion of the major stage.
The nurse at Dr. Elliott’s office had suggested that I wait another month to take the tape off the suture line. I got tired of waiting so I went ahead and took the tapes off four days early. Really I could have taken the tapes off at 6 weeks but I tend to be overly cautious as far as suture lines go.
I haven’t taken any acetaminophen for pain in a few days. I’m happy about that. It’s definitely a few steps ahead of where I was. My endurance, however, is another matter all together. I used to be able to be at Disney for anywhere from 12 to 14 hours. Now I can’t walk around for more than a couple hours without getting worn out. It’s possible that the heat could be exacerbating the issue, but I just don’t think so.
Mobility is another issue. I can raise my left arm all the way up next to my head. The skin in my armpit is still a little tight. My right arm is another matter. I can only raise it at a 55 or 60 degree angle without tightness and pain. It HAS improved since surgery. It’s just improving more slowly.
Emotionally I’m doing better, as the idea of TaTa Tuesday shows. I’m still trying to decide if I want to take a chance on nipple reconstruction. Some articles say that in experienced hands the failure rate is less than 2%. On other websites I’ve read women’s stories of how their nipples flattened out between six months to 2 years. There was also a fairly high incident of infection.
I have emailed Dr. Elliott and asked him to suggest someone who makes custom silicone nipples and write a letter of request. Every prosthetics maker I have found that does really good hand painted nipples requires a letter from a physician. Even if I decide to have the surgery later, I will still have the prosthetics in the mean time.
06.20.09
Under There
HA! Just made you say “Underwear”!
Seriously though folks, because of the relatively minor issues with slow healing on my back in a couple spots, I’m wearing camisoles either as my top or as an undershirt. It took me a while to find ones with half way decent support. I’ve found that shelf bras with wide eleastic bands do a pretty decent job. I found a bunch at Kohl’s on sale for $9.99 each. They have thin shoulder straps but the band is pretty wide so that sort of makes up for it.
I found two others at Macy’s with wide elastic shoulder straps and a wide band. I like those better as they tend to give better support. Unfortunately it’s summer in Florida and it is already reaching 99 degrees in the afternoons. I can only wear those once as undershirts before having to wash them. It IS nice just throwig on a cami and capris when I need to run out the door though.
I have all these pretty bras and panties and I still can’t wear any of them until these areas on my back are completely healed. Which brings me to a major complaint about Intimacy. I am STILL missing two pairs of panties. A couple weeks ago I got a call from a manager asking me if I had gotten everything. I let her know what I was still missing and that I had called leaving a message saying as much but never got a call back. She told me that she would investigate and call me back. I STILL have not heard from her.
I’m getting ticked off about this. They have such wonderful products but such hideous customer service that it’s really no longer worth it to shop there. For THAT kind of money per piece I expect MUCH better service. I will, of course, keep you all up to date about what happens. I WILL have my matching panties or someone will be dealing with an extraordinarilly pissed off Maria. That is NOT something anyone wants.
06.15.09
It’s More Complicated Than That
Something that isn’t really mentioned much is that eventually many breast implants may need to be replaced. An article released in 2005 by the New York Times reports that up to 93% of silicone implants fail within the first 10 years. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/07/politics/07breast.html .Those implants need to be removed and possibly replaced as soon as possible. This is another surgical expense that you will have to cover. Usually these costs must be paid out of pocket. In one study by the New England Journal of Medicine, the complication rate for augmentation was as high as nearly 25% http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/abstract/336/10/677.
Other things surgeons are unlikely to tell you are that sometimes the skin thins and wrinkles and the silicone shell of the implant become visible. With saline implants, if you push on your breasts, you can hear the implant sloshing around. Ever fondle a breast with a saline implant? It feels like you’re fondling a water bottle. When it comes down to it, saline breast implants are really only good for looks. The other option is silicone implants. Although there is not a conclusive group of studies, it is widely believed that leaked silicone is responsible for, or at the very least, contributes to, autoimmune conditions such as fibromyalgia.
Sex may not be the same either. You have water bottles sloshing around in your chest that feel totally different from your natural breast tissue. Many women also report numbness or reduced feeling in their breasts and especially the nipples after augmentation. Sometimes it’s temporary. Sometimes it isn’t. This is surgery and it can cause permanent nerve damage just as with any other surgery.
Before you sign your paperwork for the surgery, someone in the doctor’s office will go over the list of possible complications. In my case the person stressed repeatedly that these complications were extremely rare. I’m sure that there are women out there who have gone through the procedure with no complications and no issues at all. I would LOVE to talk to one of these women.
The list of possible complications is as follows:
Seroma (pooling of serous fluid)
Hematoma (pooling of clotted blood; risk is 3-4%)
Symmastia
Double Bubble (also known as “double fold”, “snoopy effect”, or “snoopy breast”)
Mondor’s Cord
Bottoming Out
Deflation Photos (approximately 7%)
Capsule Contracture
Traction Rippling & Rippling Photos
Photos of these complications can be found here: http://tinyurl.com/5gz6mc
Other lesser complications include:
Asymmetry
Bleeding
Breast droop
Displacement
Implant leak
Infection (risk is less than 1%; always involves removal of implant)
Interference with mammography
Keloid (heavy scar)
Nerve Damage
Nipple numbness
Pain
Permanent numbness (risk is 15%)
Reactions to medications
Rippling
Rupture of the implant (often due to injury)
Skin irregularities
Sloshing
Slow healing
Swelling
Visible scar
The above are relatively MINOR complications, however. Seroma and hematoma can lead to necrosis because of the pressure on the small blood vessels reducing blood flow to the affected tissues.
Necrosis is the death of tissue. When necrosis occurs, the area must be debrided. This means that the dead tissue has to be clipped out and the remaining, new tissue cleaned. Debridement doesn’t hurt. That tissue is dead which mean there are no living nerve endings. To leave dead tissue is to invite infection. So even though the thought is terrifying (and believe me, it was TOTALLY terrifying when I went through it), it’s better to get it done and over with. Then the body has a clean bed of underlying tissue to grow from.
The complication percentages listed above are reported to be low. Most are under 10 percent according to the statistics I have found. This does NOT mean that surgery of any kind is completely safe. Do not believe that just because your friend had a boob job that went perfectly that you would have the same experience.
Your surgeon and his or her skill level play a big part. So does your body and how it heals. Even though I got a clean bill of health from my pre-surgical physical and blood test, I developed several complications. I had seroma and hematoma that were NOT addressed by my surgeon. I believe those contributed to the development of necrosis. I also talked to a nurse about a year after my complications. From the description of my waist to collarbone bruising, the nurse was completely convinced that something had gone wrong during the surgery that led to the development of the necrosis.
I’d like to stress again that you should be educated about your choice of surgeons. He or she MUST be board certified by a plastic surgery association. ANY doctors can call themselves a plastic surgeon but the ones who are actually educated for that specialty are board certified.
Do NOT try to find a deal. Trust me when I say that cheaper is NOT better. I learned this lesson the hard way. It cost me more than money to learn this.
If something does go wrong, you may not be able to sue. In the state of Florida a plastic surgeon is only required to carry $100000 in malpractice insurance unless they are affiliated with a hospital. By the time your lawyer proves malpractice, most of that $100K will be gone to lawyer’s fees. You will, in all likelihood have little to nothing left for any repair procedures.
Use my story as a cautionary tale. Know your body, know your family medical history, know your surgeon, and know the risks.
06.09.09
Alone
I started this blog so that women going through what I have been through would not feel so alone. They would have someone to talk to who would understand in blazing Technicolor what it’s like to lose such an intimate part of yourself. Now I’m having those feelings and I don’t have anyone to talk to who understands.
Last night I started doing serious research on nipple reconstruction. I had no plans to do anything until late autumn but I like being prepared and knowing what I’m getting into. My findings showed that a high percentage of nipple reconstructions “fail” (read: Collapse) and a higher percentage develop complications like infection or necrosis.
My skin on my new breasts is SO delicate. It was like tissue paper a few weeks ago when the nurse took off the tapes and it just split in a couple small spots because of the pressure. Granted those were only topical. That tells me though since my skin is so delicate, I would have a higher probability of failure. I have considered nipple piercing with a small gauge bar to keep them erect, but that would proably just hasten the process of collapse.
My other alternative is a pair of custom made silicone nipple prosthetics. I’ve seen a couple websites and you really cannot tell the difference between the two nipples in a woman who has only had one side reconstructed. My problem here is the creator of the prosthetic has nothing to base the new prostheses on. There is also no one in the state of Florida that I have found so far that does custom nipple prostheses. That makes fitting much more difficult.
I don’t have any idea who to ask or where to go to find out if there IS someone more local to me. It is probably my perception, but Ken seems to be avoiding talking about it with me. He does that when he has no idea how to help. And so, I’m feeling very much alone.
Couple that with the realization that no matter what I do, I will never be the same and you’ve got a big nasty cauldron of bubbling emotions ready to spew forth and broil the crap out of some poor innocent bystander. I’ve already stuffed the dog out in the back yard because he was barking too much. Who’s next?
I’m having a bad day. Three days in a row of excessive activity has put me to the point that I had to take a 1/2 a Darvocet on top of it all. This is the first time in two weeks that I had to drag out the BIG pain meds. I know I overdid it but it still feels like a setback. But then, I’m already in bad shape as it is.
For the first time writing this blog, I feel vulnerable. As if I’ve said too much. There will probably be a Podcaster party at DragonCon again this year and I had planned to possibly show off the new Girls. For the first time in a LONG time I’m afraid of what people will think if they read this and then see me at D*C.
06.08.09
We Return You Now…
…to our regularly scheduled program already in progress. Remember that phrase from after news interruptions and the like? It seems pretty appropriate considering I’m about to approach a rather adult subject in pretty explicit terms: The resumption of sex.
What I’m going to share is probably obvious for anyone who has had surgery. Of course you wait until your doctor says you can “resume normal activity”. That’s usually Doc-Code for yes you can have sex again. The question is usually HOW? If you’ve been opened like a tin can, of course anything even vaguely athletic is out of the question. BUT your standard missionary position is pretty much out of the question since that rubs incisions on the front AND the back.
There are a couple of practical answers to the dilemma based on where the incisions are. If you’re like me and you’ve got sites on both the front AND back, the best solution I’ve found so far is an adjusted woman-on-top position. Normally you would sit straight up. DO NOT do that! You’ll put way too much pressure on your suture lines.
Anybody under 18 should NOT read any further. Go here instead if you are underaged: http://www.lfgcomic.com You’ll like Richard.
Anyway…moving on. The best way to handle hetero woman on top is to have your partner lie flat with his arms over his head. Place your knee half way up beside his ribs and slide the other leg over. Let him deal with the approach. You support yourself by planting your hands just beneath his armpits and lean forward so that your chest is lightly resting against his. This way his body is supporting you and you’re helping a little. Obviously he should be gentle. Also obviously if there is ANY pain, you should stop immediately.
If your incision in across your belly or abdomen, there’s an answer for you, too. Although your partner needs to have restraint with this one. Pile about 3-5 pillows on the edge of the bed. There needs to be enough to be comfortable and support your hips so that your back is at a 45 degree angle. Bend over the pillows with your knees on the bed and your tush in the air. Your partner should stand on the floor behind you. It’s sort of an adapted doggie style. BUT it needs to be stressed that your partner MUST be gentle though he may feel the desire to be more exhuberant.
Another solution for those women with incisions on the front OR back is Spooning. Lay on your side and let your partner do all the work. Just stay within your comfort level.
If there is anything I haven’t thought of, please contact me. I would love to add the ideas to this entry. Due credit will be given.
