06.30.09
The Treasure Chest
This week’s Ta Ta Tuesday photo is called “The Treasure Chest”. Next week I’ll be exploring the “Twin Peaks” theme. No, not the old TV show, either. Growing up in Wyoming I frequently heard large breasts referred to as “Twin Peaks”. I’m thinking of green body paint and small plastic animals strategically placed.
Unfortunately I didn’t remember that today was Ta Ta Tuesday until 10 pm last night. So this was a hastily done photo shoot. The pic was taken by my long suffering husband who does so very much for me and asks so little in return. Thank you Ken, for everything you do for me. Even if one of those things is draping my boobies in pretty sparklies and taking a pic while I look provocative. For my Twitter followers who only get to see the tiny icon version there, the larger pic is below. Enjoy!
06.29.09
Invisibility
I’ve talked about this once before but I wanted to expand on it. It seems to me that when someone is in a wheel chair, suddenly you no longer exist to the outside world. Since you are below eye level, many people stop noticing your very existence. Until you bellow at the top of your lungs a polite “Excuse Me!!” or a cheerful “Beep Beep!!”
I’ve been in a wheel chair for nine weeks at Disney World. This is mainly because my endurance level is very low. But it IS getting better. Sunday I was able to go three and a half hours without needing a chair. And that’s after walking the day before at IKEA for two hours unassisted.
Sure, this is annoying. But there’s another type of invisibility I want to talk about. It’s the kind of invisibility that you as a survivor of any kind of trauma probably see on a regular basis. Here’s an example.
Say you’re a cancer survivor going through chemo. The hair has gone bye by so you wear a bandanna on your head. People will look your direction, recognize the reason for the bandanna, get that tell tale look of pity and then look away.
Before I had my reconstruction surgery and my chest was still mangled, there were times I saw that look and then the look away. The quick dip of the chin and the briefly closed eyes say “Damn that sucks”. And the quick steps in the opposite direction speak volumes of “Glad that’s not me”.
I don’t expect anything else. Not really. I don’t expect that suddenly people will start being more conscious of wheelchairs. I don’t expect people to suddenly feel comfortable around survivors of trauma. I don’t think most people know how to deal with it anyway. It’s just one of those things that’s part of dealing with the human species.
I think this is one of the reasons that I have kept my hair pink. So that I wouldn’t be invisible. It also drew attention away from my chest. It seems to have acted as bright pink camouflage in a way. Hair slight of hand.
I have a new quote that I came up with today. Feel free to use it and give me credit.
“The idea is not to fit in. The idea is to stand out.” – Maria Myrback
06.26.09
Chasing Skirts
The Skirt In Question
As Ken was heading out the door he stopped and asked if I’d like to come with him to grocery shop at the big Wal Mart SuperCenter in Viera. I was most definitely in the mood to get out of the house so I slipped on my new cute sandals and we were out the door.
Some time back I wrote a post called “I Am Not A Girly Girl. Am I?”. In it I talked about how I felt that my mangled chest made me feel almost masculine. I also justified the theory of having always been this way by talking about my childhood of playing with trucks and climbing trees.
Today, however, I took another chunk out of that theory. The first chunk got chipped away a few weeks ago when I actually bought a casual dress. What even amazes me more is that I’ve WORN the dress TWICE! Ask anyone who knows me (ie LordGme on Twitter). I NEVER wear dresses.
The white skirt I bought will go very well with the new tops I bought at the same time that I got my dress.. The blue, bronze and silver beading will also compliment the new wedge sandals I bought.
Now that I’m getting excited about things like that I have to wonder once again, how much the whole mess of the last two years really affected my perception of my own femininity. I’m starting to think that it’s fairly obvious that while I have tomboy qualities, thanks to the reconstruction surgery, I’m becoming more feminine.
Writing this post, I have contemplated what, precisely defines a “girly girl” in my mind. To me it is a woman who obsesses over makeup, wears four inch heels and wears dresses most of the time. Those are things that don’t fall under the definition of me.
On the other hand, I now own a second casual dress AND a skirt. Both purchases are a HUGE deal for me. I’m not exactly sure what to make of these changes. As I continue to unearth new aspects that pop up, I’ll keep reporting on them here.
In the mean time, I’ll just keep chasing skirts as the mood strikes.
06.25.09
The Non-Infection Infection
I had my appointment with Dr. Guy’s people this morning at 11:15. There is good news afoot dear reader. According to Dr. Guy’s PA, the troublesome spot on my back is NOT infected. The white stuff is simply “flesh”. That IS a direct quote.
Unfortunately the flesh is inhibiting healing, so we’re back to doing wet-to-dry bandages. I have a follow up appointment in two weeks to check the progress. Hopefully by then the area will FINALLY be closed up.
For those not familiar with wet to dry bandages, I’ll explain. I believe I may have mentioned the profess in an earlier post but I’d hate for you to have to dig for it. When there is a fairly shallow wound in need of debreiding, the least painful ad least invasive way to do it and keep it relatively sterile is to use a wet-to-dry. Here, you take a piece of sterile gauze ad soak it thoroughly with saline. Then you pack it lightly into the wound so that it covers every bit of it, even into the corners. The wet then gets covered with dry gauze and taped. When it dries, the gauze adheres to the biological matter to be removed. When you pull it out to change it, it takes some of the matter with it. Then the process is repeated until the wound is clean.
Our bodies heal from the inside out. Following this process gives your body a clean bed from which to grow new flesh and eventually skin. It can be tedious and somewhat frustrating. Sometimes it only pulls off a little bit. I just keep focusing on the good news that it’s not infected.
06.24.09
The Next Great Saga
Now the fun truly begins. Ken has started his negotiations with the hospital. Since my reconstruction had to be paid for out of pocket, he has made it his mission to make sure we don’t pay any more than we absolutely have to. At his request we have already gotten an itemized copy of the bill.
In the realm of ridiculous pricing, the hospital charged $10 for a multi-vitamin and $12 for a calcium pill. That’s right. ONE PILL! They also charged us $32 for an Oxycodone. Ken paid $20 for a 30 day supply of that AND a prescription muscle relaxer FROM THE HOSPITAL PHARMACY!! These are just a couple examples of inflated pricing from a major Atlanta hospital.
With billing and prices like this it really is no wonder that our medical system is in the shape its in. If it’s not the insurance companies looking for any reason to bilk the customer, it’s the hospitals screwing the insuance companies. Or the pharmaceutical companies screwing the inurance companies. And since shit rolls downhill, the insurance companies, in turn, screw the consumer.
Getting screwed USED to be FUN!
Originally we negotiated a cash price for the hospital stay. If we had been insured, our insurance company would have had to pay a little over $24,000. Our discounted cash price was$14,600 with an up front payment of $8,200 due 10 days before my surgical date. As far as we can see, there is PLENTY of room to negotiate.
As usual I’ll keep you all up to date as the situation develops.
06.23.09
9 1/2 Weeks
From the title of the post, it’s pretty obvious what today’s topic is.
Medical updates.
The spot on my back is still troublesome. It’s not really getting any better. I’m still not too worried about it though as no one else at Dr. Elliott’s office is overly concerned. Last night Ken said he thinks I should “be seen” by Dr. Elliott’s contemporary down here, Dr. Roxanne Guy. I have an appointment for Thursday.
Honestly, I am SICK of “being seen”. I am SO over all of this medical crap. I just want to get ON with my life. I think that’s part of the reason I’ve started doing Ta Ta Tuesday. Even though I may not be completely done with all of this, I want to start enjoying the completion of the major stage.
The nurse at Dr. Elliott’s office had suggested that I wait another month to take the tape off the suture line. I got tired of waiting so I went ahead and took the tapes off four days early. Really I could have taken the tapes off at 6 weeks but I tend to be overly cautious as far as suture lines go.
I haven’t taken any acetaminophen for pain in a few days. I’m happy about that. It’s definitely a few steps ahead of where I was. My endurance, however, is another matter all together. I used to be able to be at Disney for anywhere from 12 to 14 hours. Now I can’t walk around for more than a couple hours without getting worn out. It’s possible that the heat could be exacerbating the issue, but I just don’t think so.
Mobility is another issue. I can raise my left arm all the way up next to my head. The skin in my armpit is still a little tight. My right arm is another matter. I can only raise it at a 55 or 60 degree angle without tightness and pain. It HAS improved since surgery. It’s just improving more slowly.
Emotionally I’m doing better, as the idea of TaTa Tuesday shows. I’m still trying to decide if I want to take a chance on nipple reconstruction. Some articles say that in experienced hands the failure rate is less than 2%. On other websites I’ve read women’s stories of how their nipples flattened out between six months to 2 years. There was also a fairly high incident of infection.
I have emailed Dr. Elliott and asked him to suggest someone who makes custom silicone nipples and write a letter of request. Every prosthetics maker I have found that does really good hand painted nipples requires a letter from a physician. Even if I decide to have the surgery later, I will still have the prosthetics in the mean time.
06.21.09
Ta-Ta Tuesday on Twitter
Since my #stripperfriday avatar (shown in another post below) was so popular, as the suggestion of a friend, I am officially founding #TaTaTuesdays on Twitter.
What is TaTaTuesday? It is a weekly event wherein anyone may take a TASTEFUL (Cover up nipples and areole) photo of their ta-tas and turn it into their icon for the day each Tuesday. Be creative! Be inventive! Be awe inspiring! This is a fun event.
HOWEVER no one under the age of 18 should take part in this weekly event. This isn’t meant to be pornographic.
“Not pornographic?” you say? Allow me to explain. If you have read my blog, you know what I’ve been through and exactly how big a deal having breasts is for me. Stop the snickering. I didn’t mean “big” THAT way. I’ve gone shopping for tops that show them off to their best advantage. I now live in a world where a man once walked into a pillar because he was looking at my decollete. This is COMPLETELY new to me. So of course I want to have fun with it.
There are SO many women out there who hate their bodies. I want to encourage self love. I think having wonderful (and again I stress TASTEFUL) avatar images for one day a week will encourage just that.
Imagine getting compliments on how beautiful/amazing/sexy you look simply because you had the courage to do something fun and daring. So join me this Tuesday June 23 on Twitter for #TaTaTuesday and post your ta-ta avatar!
06.20.09
Under There
HA! Just made you say “Underwear”!
Seriously though folks, because of the relatively minor issues with slow healing on my back in a couple spots, I’m wearing camisoles either as my top or as an undershirt. It took me a while to find ones with half way decent support. I’ve found that shelf bras with wide eleastic bands do a pretty decent job. I found a bunch at Kohl’s on sale for $9.99 each. They have thin shoulder straps but the band is pretty wide so that sort of makes up for it.
I found two others at Macy’s with wide elastic shoulder straps and a wide band. I like those better as they tend to give better support. Unfortunately it’s summer in Florida and it is already reaching 99 degrees in the afternoons. I can only wear those once as undershirts before having to wash them. It IS nice just throwig on a cami and capris when I need to run out the door though.
I have all these pretty bras and panties and I still can’t wear any of them until these areas on my back are completely healed. Which brings me to a major complaint about Intimacy. I am STILL missing two pairs of panties. A couple weeks ago I got a call from a manager asking me if I had gotten everything. I let her know what I was still missing and that I had called leaving a message saying as much but never got a call back. She told me that she would investigate and call me back. I STILL have not heard from her.
I’m getting ticked off about this. They have such wonderful products but such hideous customer service that it’s really no longer worth it to shop there. For THAT kind of money per piece I expect MUCH better service. I will, of course, keep you all up to date about what happens. I WILL have my matching panties or someone will be dealing with an extraordinarilly pissed off Maria. That is NOT something anyone wants.
06.19.09
BOOBIES!!
Today I was reminded of a valuable lesson thanks to a new friend on Twitter. @onceatweeter reminded me that I need to relax more and stop worrying so much about what others think about my new, revealing Twitter icon.
I am, admittedly, nervous and sensitive about people’s reaction to my new Girls. I’m not really sure why either. Granted the new icon, which I will post in full size below, is pretty revealing. Perhaps I’m afraid of being perceived as a slut? It saddens me that I am unable, right now at least, to set those fears aside and allow myself to wallow in this exercise in joy.
There is part of me that is still afraid that something will happen and I will lose my new Girls again. That part has me paralyzed. I wanted to join in and make boobie jokes with the others but my fear held me back. Even when @onceatweeter sent me direct messages reassuring me that she had meant no harm and that I shouldn’t worry about what anyone else might think.
I’ve spent the last two years worrying about what other people think though. I adjusted my wardrobe to minimize people’s exposure to my mangled chest. I wore bulky boy-style clothes so often I didn’t think of myself as feminine anymore. When the necrosis first developed I bent over backwards to make certain my family wasn’t exposed to the hideousness of what was happening until I had no other choice.
I’ve been worrying and hiding myself for so long I’ve made myself sensitive to ANY reaction to my new girls. I suppose I need to file this under the adjustments I still have to make. Thanks again to @onceatweeter on Twitter for helping me realize that I still have a long way to go.
As a step forward and as promised, here is the larger photo.
A more intimate look at the new Girls
Back To Work
Today was my first real day back at work. One of our regular customers at http://www.handsonaromatherapy.com called yesterday and placed an easy order. After breakfast I decided that I should at least TRY to do my job. My job consists of measuring and pouring essential oils into the properly sized glass bottles that our customers have ordered. Then I package the bottles and pack them for shipping.
At this point, dear reader, you may be asking yourself, “What’s an essential oil?”. An essential oil is a concentrated liquid that is extracted from various plant matters. It is used in perfumes and has many medicinal properties. For instance, if you were to call us (1-800-331-6457) and ask for a 10ml bottle (1/3 of an ounce) of Peppermint essential oil, I would know that you wanted to use it internally to A) Relieve gas B) Freshen your breath or C) Make home made tooth powder. OR you might be adding it to a cold and flu blend for massage to help you sweat it out. You might even be making a Christmas room spray. These are some of the main uses of just ONE oil that we carry.
It didn’t take me very long to pour and label six bottles. It was a bit tiring though and after packaging and weighing I was ready for a break. My back was sore from the bending. It’s not the kind of job that I can really sit down to do either. I need a steady hand even when I’m using the pippetter (a really big syringe kinda thing that does exact liquid volume measurements).
What was wonderful is that Ken can up behind me after I was done, wrapped his arms around me and said “Welcome back”. That really made my day.
I’ve also decided that I’m going to stay with herbalism and aromatherapy as a career. I love my job and I’ll figure out a way to make it work.
