05.30.09
I Am Disinclined
Up until a few days ago I was sleeping either completely upright or at a 45 degree angle. Sleeping at an incline kept me from being in pain while I slept. For the most part anyway. Where I once had a dozen pillows I am now down to three: two regular pillows and one hospital pillow. I have even been able to turn on my side. Though I confess that initially there is a searing pain in my chest. That subsides in a few moments though and I am able to sleep. It has taken six weeks but I am finally getting back to most of my old sleep habits.
There IS one problem though. I used to be able to fold my hands up under my chin and sleep like that. The Twins are so big though, I just can’t get my hands to fit where they used to. So now one hand rests under a pillow and the other rests along my side. My fingers against my thigh is really distracting though. I’m not used to feeling anything, even myself, touching my leg while I’m trying to sleep. But hands folded up under my chin simply compress the Twins too much. So I’m just going to have to make that adjustment.
For now, I continue to make progress with my healing. I am, after all, disinclined.
05.28.09
Girly Girl
Today I went back and re-read a post from right before my surgery in April entitled “I Am Not A Girly Girl, Am I?” I am still rather torn over the question. Today I intentionally wore a very revealing top <see the photo below> because I have been wanting to wear this since before my surgery. In my opinion it is a, for me, very feminine top.
When I went bra shopping in Atlanta, I chose frilly, lacey, flowery bras and matching panties. It is only now that I have ordered a couple non-dressy bras for day to day wear. Before we went out to run errands today I even took the time to put on moisturizing sun block. These are all things that I did not do before my surgery.
I was considering today when (not IF) I should break out my blue corset and start sizing it for DragonCon in August. I was also thinking about my Ren Faire wardrobe and wondering how much of that was going to have to be sold because it simply doesn’t fit my new chest size. Much of my Renn Faire wardrobe consists of Elizabethan, Empire and French Provincial gowns. There are also indivisual mix and match pieces that go with skirts and bodices. There are a few pieces of pirate garb but mostly it’s girly stuff.
On the other hand, the only time I wear makeup is if t’s a special occasion OR I get a wild hair. Those are very infrequent. The last time I wore makeup AND a dress was our 13th wedding anniversary. We went on a romantic dinner cruise on the river. Part of the reason I don’t wear makeup is that I have sensitive skin. I have yet to find anything I can wear for more than a couple days in a row that doesn’t break me out. The other reason is that I work at home so I have no real reason to wear makeup on a regular basis. I also have a hard time buying into the hype that seems to go along with the cosmetics industry. So what if my skin tone isn’t completely even or my pores are a bit enlarged? Really it is no big deal. I wish the “fashion experts” would stop making it sound like if you don’t have a perfect complexion that there’s something wrong with you.
Perhaps this is just a phase. After all, the Twins ARE like a shiny new toy. Maybe in a year or so I’ll be back to wearing oversized tshirts and cargo shorts instead of more form fitting fare. Right now I really don’t know though I suspect that eventually I will find a balance between comfort and girly.
Six Weeks
There’s so much to talk about that I don’t know where to begin. Thursday May 27 will be six weeks since my surgery. Everything is looking good. The small opening on my back has scabbed over and is getting smaller every day. The other areas are all looking good. There is still the red spot on my right breast that hasn’t changed and there is still very minor bruising on the left. None of that is a reason for concern. I just find it odd that those things are persisting.
As requested by Dr. Elliott, I showered tonight, washed all the incision sites and re-taped them. I’m still not exactly certain why he wanted those re taped. He IS the expert here though so we deferred to his knowledge. My guess is that he still wants to keep the scarring to a minimum and that’s what the tape does. It keeps the scars flat and prevents them from becoming keloid scars (http://www.medicinenet.com/keloid/article.htm).
Something I noticed after my shower is that the skin on my back is still somewhat tight. It isn’t nearly as bad as it was six weeks ago when I felt like I was bound in a corset. It still feels like there is tape or some kind of light binding even when there isn’t though. I’ve also noticed that in a good portion of my back I still have absolutely no feeling. The only reason I know that I am touching skin is because my fingertips feel skin. I don’t even feel pressure in some places.
My armpits are almost as bad, though there is a little bit of feeling there. My left arm is almost completely back to normal as far as mobility goes. It’s still a bit sore, but it’s much better. The range of motion in my right arm is still limited. I still cannot straighten it directly next to my head. I CAN hold it at about a 60 degree angle though. I think perhaps I need to start working on stretching it. I may start a VERY light exercise routine of stretching to start increasing my range of motion. Before I do that though I’m going to call Dr. Elliott’s office and ask what they think first. No point in messing myself up if he says no. I’m all about avoiding the messing myself up bit.
Speaking of…I had another flashback tonight after I got out of the shower. It’s been a few weeks since the last time. I’m glad those horrific moments are getting fewer and farther between. I’m not thoroughly convinced that I may not be suffering in some small way from post traumatic stress disorder. PTSD isn’t just something that combat troops may have to deal with. Anyone who has been in a long term life threatening situation, whether that’s combat related, health related or even related to a rape, can develop PTSD. Flashbacks are one of those symptoms. For me, hell for anyone it’s completely terrifying to “see” incisions tear open like they did before. That was the first episode in a few weeks though. So that’s getting much better, too.
I’m starting to go out more frequently too. Before we left for my one month checkup I tried to get a hair appointment with my regular stylist because my roots were hideoulsy long. Unfortunately she couldn’t fit me in. So, silly me, I found someone else on the Pravana website and she squeezed me in. I say silly me because I actually expected her to do a good job since she claims she teaches at Brevard Community College in Cocoa. I even told her that for the dye to take properly, my roots have to be at least a gold color.
She screwed up. She lightened them to a medium brown and then tried to dye over that. My roots HIDEOUS. It looked like someone had tried to just dye over them. She promised that she would fix it for free. So against my better judgement I went back today. Somehow she managed to screw it up again. She DID manage to lighten the roots but not to the right shade because now they have an ORANGE tint to them!! I am NEVER going back to her again. I don’t care HOW desperate I am.
Now I have to wait at least a week before I can make an appointment with LeAnn at Belleza in Rockledge. I’m just going to have to call her, explain what happened and see how soon she wants to see me.
The day wasn’t a total loss though. After the stylist was done, Ken and I went out to Norman’s Raw Bar and Grill in Cocoa Village for lunch. While we were there we recorded the first episode of our food podcast “The Chipped Plate Chronicles”. YAY!!
I’m looking forward to Friday. I REALLY want to go see the new Pixar movie “Up”. It looks like it’s going to be absolutely fantastic! The reviews on www.rottentomatoes.com are phenomenal. I’ve also seen all the previews so I’m excited about it.
We have also planned that for our weekly outing to Disney, I am going to try to walk from the car in the Minnie parking lot (Yes, we know a secret) to the gift shop where they rent the wheelchairs. I think I could make it into the park, but by the time I got down to Casey’s, I’d have to have a cast member bring me a chair.
In the next couple days I’m going to release a post called “The Adjustment” that is going to cover more of my mental, physical and emotional adjustments and how I handled them. And how I’m STILL handling some of them so stay tuned!
05.26.09
Positions
A couple days ago I finally tried turning on my side to sleep. Initially there was a moderate searing pain in my chest and then it settled down once my body adjusted to the new sleep position. The problem wasn’t so much my chest or back. My back has become very nearly a non-issue now that the drain sites are healing so well and the muscles and skin have relaxed.
The problem turned out to be my shoulder and right arm. It went painfully numb so that I was struck with nearly immobilizing pain from both there and my chest trying to get off of it. So the moral of THAT story is…what? Try not to sleep so deeply?? I’m not taking anything beyond acetaminophen so it’s not meds making me sleep that soundly. My body is still healing and needs its rest.
I’m still sleeping on a pile of hospital pillows. Maybe if I change to just the wedge shape foam pillow under my regular pillows I can remedy that situation to some extent. I’ve already rearanged the hospital pillow pile so that I’m sleeping at a 45 degree angle rather than upright like I had been. It’s more comfortable that way.
This morning was actually the first morning I woke up without needing to immediately take something for pain. Oddly enough my back is aching more than my chest. Since Ken had his car at the mechanic I decided that I was going to do some work in the office this morning.
We had 20 messages in voicemail to be dealt with, so I proceeded to make notes about which of our customers needed to be called back, who wanted catalogs and deleted the hang ups. By the time I was done, I was amazed to discover that I was absolutely exhausted. It seems totally bizarre to me that making notes about phone messages could be so hideously draining. I guess it’s a good thing that the mechanic couldn’t work on the car today after all (they need to order a part first).
After a long rest, I grabbed up my keys and drove around the neighborhood. I think I’m able to drive short distances, but anything beyond a few miles would be taxing for me. My underarms are still tight. Overhand turns are easier than they were before but my chest was still tender. All in all, not bad for just shy of six weeks.
05.25.09
That’s What They Call Progress
As is par for the course I spent the day doing very little. Mostly I spent it just recovering from the extended trip home and the extra-long visit to Disney World. I’ve been really tired today and even took a nap this afternoon. Extra sleep aside, I’ll be going to bed at a decent hour tonight.
I must admit that I am feeling better. I’ve only taken three rounds of acetominaphen today. I’m also thinking about driving for the first time since my surgery tomorrow. Ken has to take his Beetle over to the mechanic to have the air conditioning looked at. It’s been blowing warmer air for the last two weeks and with summer coming on fast here in central Florida, that needs to be taken care of as soon as possible.
Rather than let him be stranded at the mechanic all day, I’m thinking of trying to drive over to beachside and pick him up. I *think* I’ll be able to handle driving but I really have no way of knowing whether I can or not until I actually try.
Instead of trying to head directly out on the highway, I’ll probably start by taking a loop around the neighbornood. That will give me a good idea as to how limited I am in my turning radius. A few weeks ago the very idea of making broad overhanded turns was enough to make me cry. Now, I think I can manage it.
I’ve noticed that when I get up and down if I have more breast support, I have less pain. The shelf bra tank tops that I had previously thought of as too tight now give a little added support. Another thing that helps is sliding one arm under my breasts and holding them in place as I get up.
I’ll update again tomorrow and report on how well the foray into driving goes.
05.24.09
The Long And Winding Road
We FINALLY got home at midnight last night. We would have been home much sooner but there was a torrential downpour in Orlando yesterday evening for about 90 minutes. We ended up in the small covered area right next to the entrance for the Swiss Family Robinson Tree House. Ken and I had the only two dry spots in there after the revolving families in wet ponchos and drenched teens paraded through the small area.
On the way home we listened to Scott Sigler’s Bloodcast-Season 1. (http://www.scottsigler.com/bloodcast). Again, if you haven’t listened to any of Sigler’s works or read any of his books, you are SERIOUSLY missing out. *I* still want to know what happened to that little kid that got sucked down the mud puddle. And just WHAT was that big blue thing in “Wolf”??
Listening to those was a great way to take my mind off the discomfort. I keep saying that I learned my lesson three weeks ago about pushing myself. And again two weeks ago. But…I haven’t. After the long trip back from Atlanta, we spent about 10 hours at Disney. You wouldn’t think sitting in a wheelchair and occasionally getting up and down would be that exhausting. If it had just been a trip to Disney, I don’t think I would be this sore, tired and tender today. We’re also contemplating a trip back over there on Monday.
Yes, boys and girls, I AM a glutton for punishment. If I feel like this tomorrow though, the only place I’ll be going is back to bed. Either that or I’ll be sitting on the couch staring at the TV again.
It’s difficult for me to know what activities, beyond the obvious, will be pushing myself and what will simply be stretching my limits so that I regain flexibility and muscle tone faster. I hear from my Mom that it takes about 6 weeks to feel “normal” again from a standard operation. I hear from other people that it takes 2-4 weeks to recover from this procedure. On another website I read that it takes 3-6 weeks to resume normal activities. Since I want to be back to my old self, I push my limits either intentionally or unintentionally so that I WILL be back to my old self when I’m supposed to be.
I have to wonder about trying to make myself conform to those time frames. The 2-4 week time frame got me in trouble and I ended up hurting myself. The six week time frame is coming up on Thursday. If I don’t move around, I won’t recover. If I move around too much I hurt myself and have a setback. I really don’t have any idea where the happy median lies in this.
I know that I cannot just sit here and watch TV or I’ll be constantly stiff and sore. I do get up and move around. I actually organized my lingerie drawer earlier. I finally threw away my orphaned socks, added the old surgical bras to the “donate” pile and reorganized the drawer. That made room for the new pretties I picked up at Intimacy on Friday. So I really am managing to do things here and there. I’m just doing fewer things and I’m doing them slowly.
It’s frustrating for me though. I have so many plans and I want to get going with them but instead of heading down the highway at speed I feel like I’m taking a Sunday drive along the back country roads at 20 mph. I guess healing really IS a long and winding road.
05.23.09
The Traveling Show
The human nervous system is an amazing thing. We’re capable of feeling the lightest touch of a feather or the crushing depths of the ocean when we dare to dive deep. Recovering from surgery is a challenge to that amazing system.
As anyone who has had anything from major surgery to stitches will know. part of the healing process is what I refer to as “those wonderful (insert sarcastic tone here) nerve pains” Or “that asshole with the icepick”. Those are the intermittent stabbing pains that indicate that your nervous system is trying to reestablish connections. For me this, and the intense itching in spots, is a major indicator of healing.
Yesterday while we were driving back to Florida I dealt with several rounds of that asshole with an icepick. Unfortunately at times like those, acetaminophen just doesn’t quite do the trick. I’ll have to take 1/2 a Darvocet to make it stop completely.
Granted, there were extenuating circumstances yesterday. First, my muscles stiffen up when I’m in a car for that long, Yes we took breaks every couple hours, but it still takes a little time to work the kinks out. Getting in and out of the car is a process. Hubby holds a pillow in place and I slowly lower myself in and swivel around in the seat. The pillows act like shock absorbers against the vibration from the road.
Second, we went to visit my Mom. She’s near Williston training stock dogs of all types and teaching their owners how to be better handlers. So she’s out in the country. That means dealing with a dirt road and chuck holes at 30mph are never fun.
Third, even though these new bras are wonderful, my body still has to adjust to them. As I’ve mentioned before, I haven’t worn a real bra in 2 years so that might contribute a little bit as well to the stabbing pains. Thus we have multiple factors that may or may not be contributing to what turned out to be a 4 yesterday on the 1-10 scale.
That may not sound like much, but couple that with the stressors of meeting Mom’s business partner, touring the house and farm, meeting the other dogs and his horses and just the exhaustion of traveling, it’s surprising I didn’t tap out at a higher level.
We also ended up leaving Atlanta later in the morning than we usually would have. Thursday we stopped by my very favorite jewelry store in Dunwoody, H&A Jewelers, to check into the cost of upgrading my diamond studs. H&A had this fantastic program wherein once you buy a pair of their diamond studs, you can upgrade to a bigger size just by paying the difference between the two. They also charge 40% off the price on the tag on top of the trade-in value.
While we’re there we always have our wedding bands cleaned. The woman helping us took one look at my engagement ring and about passed out. It seems that the prongs holding my diamond in place were so worn down that had I bumped it really hard, there was an excellent chance that I could lose the diamond. So she overnighted a 6 prong (I did have just 4 prongs originally) white gold head, I still have the original band, to the shop and had my engagement ring ready to go Friday morning at 10 am when they opened.
We also stopped by Trader Joe’s on the way out of town to pick up a couple boxes of JoJo’s and half a case of wine. If you’re not familiar, Trader Joe’s has bottles of wine they call “Two Buck Chuck”. These are what amounts to the leftovers from vinyards all over Napa Valley blended together as individual wines. In other words, take all the leftover Chardonay from 40+ vinyards, mix it all together and you have Two Buck Chuck Chardonay.
Now as for JoJo’s, these are Trader Joe’s answer to Oreo. Their answer is BETTER. They use real vanilla bean for their filling and the cookies are just alittle bit soft. The flavor is better, they’re all natural AND their cheaper so it’s a winner all around.
With those errands to accomplish it took until almost noon before we were actually completely out of the Atlanta metro. Bearing all that in mind it’s no wonder I needed a 1/2 a Darvocet by the time we sat down to dinner with Mom.
Since we got such a late start and dinner with Mom went for quite a while, we ended up getting a room in Ocala last night. Ken was just too tired to drive the remaining 4 hours home. So this morning we’re off to the House of the Mouse after breakfast. As exhausting as yesterday was and as sore as I am this morning, we’re going to be renting a wheelchair again today. I’m really hoping that this will be the last time that I’ll have to be pushed around.
As far as medical updates go, the site on my back is looking good, as is everything else. There’s not much to report there. Though I DID notice something interesting last night I hadn’t noticed before. The “flap” part of my new breasts has a different skin tone than the original tissue it is attached to. Now I know you’re thinking “Thank you Captain Obvious”. To me this is just a minor thing that I found interesting.
I’ve also noticed that the transplanted muscle in my left breast still tends to spasm some if I use my arm to push myself up out of a chair. Not all the time but more than jut once in a while. The right does too sometimes but the left is much more adamant about it.
05.21.09
Doctor Place
Yesterday was my one month check up with Dr. Elliott. After taking the tape off from over all the suture lines he announced that everything is looking fantastic. Even the spot on my back is just superficial. So I don’t need to see him again until after DragonCon in September!! WOOHOO!!
There is a red area just above the top suture line on my right breast and very mild bruising on the top of the left breast still but after prodding, Dr. Elliott said that he isn’t at all concerned. There is no thickening under the skin, it isn’t hot to the touch and there is no indication of infection. He thinks that it’s just the way my body is. So I’m going to defer to his expertise.
He also told me that I should leave the tape off the suture line for a week and give the areas a good (but GENTLE) scrub down with soap and water each time I shower. Then, next Wednesday, we’re to retape everything. I’m going to have to call next week and find out how long he wants me to leave the tape on this second time.
There was just one little tiny thing though. As the nurse took off the tape on the top, right side near the red spot, my skin actually tore open just a teeny tiny bit. They are just topical openings and very superficial though. It looks like I had been lightly scratched by a cat in two spots about 1/2 an inch long.
I have been unable to find any references to thin or delicate skin after my type of breast reconstruction. Perhaps it is simply my biology. It’s such a little thing though that I don’t really see a reason to worry about it. If it happens again, then I’ll worry about it. Right now I’m not going to borrow trouble.
The right side drain site is still leaking just a tiny bit of serous fluid. It also itches abominably at times which tells me it is healing. Annoying yes but it IS a step forward. It is still a bit tender but nothing like it was when the drain was still in.
We’ll be headed home to Florida tomorrow morning. On the way we’re going to meet up with my Mom. She hasn’t seen me since the surgery. I think she’s going to be absolutely stunned.
Which reminds me, I need to email the “After” Shot to my Dad. He’ll want to see that everything is just fine and he doesn’t need to worry anymore.
05.20.09
F. Wait, wha??
Today Dr. Elliott cleared me to wear a bra. Since it has been 2 years since I last wore one, shelf bras excluded, of course, I followed the advice of the people on Knickers.com and went to a place here in Atlanta at Phipps Plaza. It’s called Intimacy (myintimacy.com) and they carrry some absolutely STUNNING bras for large cup sizes well beyond D.
First they had me fill out a little paperwork so they would have on record what I had been looking for in a bra. Then I was taken back to the fitting room where Alexa did what she called a “visual fitting”. They don’t use tape measures there. After a brief moment of looking at my back, she was done. Then she brought me a few to look at. I fell in love with the flowery, lacy stuff right away. So She went back and picked out a few more things for me to try. The brand is called Prima Donna and the collection is shown on their website.
As far as trying bras on, she helped me slip on the shoulder straps and then had me bend over slightly so that the Twins fell into place in the cup. Finally she hooked it in back on the first set of hooks. She said the reason for that was because these bras DO stretch over time. Once it has gotten stretchy on the third hook then I can bring it in and have it altered for free.
Alexa brought three rounds of 5 bras for me to try. I settled on five along with the matching panties. Unfortunately they only had three of the five in stock so she’s having the others shipped to me. Five is a good start. She advised that I don’t wear the same bra every day. It makes them break down faster. I also bought their fabric cleaner and a mesh bag to wash them in. They are to be washed on the hand washable setting on cold. There is also a 30 day return policy if something doesn’t work out right.
Hubby doesn’t have any real idea how much I spent. I won’t give the full amount here since he reads this blog sometimes and I don’t want him to be frightened out of his wits. What I CAN say is that you should expect to pay quite a bit more than department store prices. It IS worth it though. I put on one set and was promptly molested by Hubby.
Even the thin, frilly bras are specially engineered for extra support. Between this, the free alterations and the reported durability with proper care, I firmly believe these are worth every penny I spent.
By now you’re probably wondering what’s with the title. The “F” refers to my new cup size. Had I NOT gotten fitted professionally, I would have gone with the 44 DDD that a website on bra fitting said I should be wearing. Even if you don’t buy anything from Intimacy, I really feel that every woman should have a professional fitting done by them. According to statistics, 85% of women are wearing the wrong bra size. This leads to back pain, dented shoulders and breasts that degrade faster from lack of proper support.
What was really hilarious is that after I put on my outfit for this evening with one of my new bras on, Hubby’s jaw dropped. He said “Wow! Gazongas!!”
I think he likes the new, improved Twins.
05.19.09
Oblivious Girl
Yesterday I talked about the effects of prescription pain meds on my system. I just had what Ken called a bigger realization moment.
We stopped in Gainesville at Waffle House for lunch. I ordered decaf to drink because it’s cold and rainy. Then I looked around for the sugar container to sweeten it.
The container was 6 inches in front of my left hand and in my dazed state I missed it completely. Scary.
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