I don’t look in the mirror  when I’m unclothed. Especially not when I can see my chest. I’m so used to it disturbing me and making me cry that I generally avoid being in the bathroom while nude. So it came as a complete shock yesterday after showering when I caught an accidental glimpse of my chest and  noticed an improvement on my left side.

Last year at this time I was still hooked up to the V.A.C machine 24/7 so to see an actual bona fide improvement stunned me to the point that I actually touched the remnants of my left breast. If you hadn’t guessed, that’s a big deal for me.

The big surprise? The place where the scar tissue is in the front is starting to fill out. It’s not nearly as blunt and squared off as it was. It’s becoming softer and more rounded. If I push the fat around it actually looks kind of like a breast.  So it seems the more I heal, the more promising my prospects are for great results for my reconstruction in May.

My right side is still a concave disaster area, but I’m clinging to the promise of what May brings.

Sorry it’s been so long since my last update. I was starting to feel like a whiner. I hate that.

I have my good days and my bad days. Last year at this time I was hooked up to a V.A.C. machine. But it was still a good holiday. I got my full length mink coat last year. Yes I like fur and I’m not going to make apologies for it or justify it. It makes me happy.

I got a form from the insurance company to be filled out a few weeks ago and I sent that in, so MAYBE they will pay for some of the reconstructive surgery in May. I can only hope so. Things are looking grim for our intrepid heroine folks. Five orders in the month of December. That HAS to be an all-time low for our company.

Presents are all wrapped and under the tree except for the big one for our oldest son. And…oddly…mine aren’t under the tree either. I know Hubby got me something because he said he was going shopping for me last week. I just haven’t seen any indication of a package(s) yet.

On my good days I just sort of trundle along ignoring the chest crap.

On my bad days? Everything right down to the shirt I’m wearing reminds me of the ruin that was once my chest. I can’t even make myself go clothes shopping. I know I need a new long sleeved brown shirt but what’s the point? It doesn’t matter what I wear I still feel like a mutant (and I don’t mean the pretty ones in spandex ala X-Men either) on my bad days.

So I try to focus on the good days. I work on school work (almost done with this class), read, immerse myself in my latest activist work for the local PFLAG chapter and LGBT community and try to remember to breathe.

It just seems like I’m holding my breath until May. I still live my life…mostly…kinda….  But I have it stuck in my head that everything will be better in May.

Please. Let everything be better in May.

To my readers, I wish the very best holiday season. I hope that your days are filled with happiness and that your troubles are few.