07.16.09
Someone Else’s Nipples 2
I’ve got to say that my meeting with Beach Gal (she asked that I not mention her name), was probably the most bizarre meeting I have ever had. We met at the Wal-Mart Ladies room and stepped into the handicapped stall. After talking for a few minutes about how happy she was to be able to help me out, she showed me the prosthetics on her breasts.
Paul matched her skin tone beautifully. They looked like real nipples and areolae. I was just surprised to see that they looked so…perfect. There was no asymmetry that I could see. They looked like circular cut outs.
It has been so long since I’ve really SEEN nipples that I had literally forgotten that they’re SUPPOSED to be that round. It took me coming home and looking on the net to confirm that, yes, that’s how they’re supposed to look. That’s how they look in nature.
Beach Gal also suggested something that I had never even thought of. Her idea was for me to make paper cutouts of different sizes and see which size looks the best on me. Sheer genius!
So I have an art project ahead of me. I’m not in as much of a hurry to do this as I thought I would be. I’m content for the moment. But as we all know, that’s subject to change from moment to moment.
07.15.09
But I look like a…GIRL!
Yesterday I got a delivery of a new pair of athletic sandals that I’d be able to wear to the parks when I wanted to go looking a bit more dolled up. I didn’t want to wear hot, heavy tennis shoes that clashed with my casual dress or my skirt (yes, I only own ONE casual dress and ONE casual skirt. On purpose).
So of course, since I bought these sandals off the Net I wanted to make sure they worked color-wise with the outfits I bought them to go with. So I put on the skirt and the sea green top that looks the best with the beading on the skirt. I happened to catch a glimpse in the mirror of the whole outfit and I was broadsided by a City Bus Of Realization that…I Looked Like A GIRL!!
For the last two years I’ve been dressing in big, baggy clothes because anything tight exposed my mangled chest to the rest of the world. I didn’t want to do that to my family, let alone the entire population of central Florida. So I wore 2X tees and big, baggy cargo shorts that hid anything even remotely resembling a female figure.
I also spent two years avoiding mirrors, as I’ve mentioned before. I’m guessing this is just another one of those adjustment moments. I just feel conflicted. I’m overweight because, well there are more reasons than I can count. One of them is that I think I wanted to be invisible so people wouldn’t notice my chest. BUT, my hair is bright pink, so I really DON’T want to be invisible. I’m tearing up as I write this because I know that now I have another challenge to face and I’ve done this to myself.
For the last few weeks I’ve been saying that I’d rather be fat and happy than thin and miserable from dieting. I know that to be denial now. I’m just terrified beyond belief that if I lose weight then I’ll lose my breasts again…just in a different way and I will have done it to myself. AGAIN!
Yes, I still partially blame myself for the first time. If I hadn’t been SO insistent and SO obsessive about having “pretty boobies”, I never would have gone with the cheap surgeon. That part, at least, is my fault.
I think what I need to do is talk to Patti at Dr. Elliott’s office and find out for sure before I freak myself out and find a way to mentally justify staying at a weight that isn’t ideal.
In the mean time, here’s the outfit that got me broadsided by the City Bus of Realization.
07.14.09
Someone Else’s Nipples
The topic I’m revisiting today is prosthetic nipples.
I just got off the phone with a woman who actually HAS a pair of Paul Tanner’s prosthetic nipples http://tinyurl.com/lbfvha. Like me, she scoured the net for realistic nipple prosthesis. She had seen the results of what happens when reconstruction goes horribly awry. The person she told me about ended up with very uneven nipples and a really bad tattooing job. That’s not the only unsatisfactory results she has seen and heard of.
With the nipples she got from Paul, however, she is SO pleased that she doesn’t plan on having nipple reconstruction surgery. The only minor thing she talked about was that they felt a little bit heavy. There is an adhesive that goes on the back of them and then sticks to your skin. It lasts for 3-5 days. You can even SWIM in these!!
I’m meeting with her later today to see the actual prosthetics. She was really excited to show them to me and I’m actually excited to see them. We both agrees that, yes, it sounds kind of weird. BUT we both agreed that seeing them would actually help me make a more informed decision. After all, looking at pictures is hardly the same as actually seeing them in person and perhaps getting to touch them.
I’m really starting to repeat myself with the “I’ll report back” bit. Once I’ve seen these, I’ll let you all know more.
07.13.09
Bra Day Redux
After wearing my pretty blue Prima Donna Kensington bra (http://tinyurl.com/npkxnm) and panties today, I have great news to report. The skin on my back has healed sufficiently so as to not tear under pressure the way it did last time I tried to wear a bra. That was right after my one month check up.
I wore the bra for about 9 hours today and found it to be VERY comfortable. I only had to adjust the band once. I’ve also healed enough to be able to feel the bra strap on my back. For the most part at least. My nerves have not completely healed yet. There are still areas of numbness but not to the extent that they were. Those numb areas are actually getting more pronounced feeling as time passes. Eventually I’ll actually be able to feel everything on my back again.
In other words, if my fingers slip and I snap myself with my bra band, I now KNOW I snapped myself. Sometimes pain is something to grudgingly accept. In this case it indicates progress in healing.
Yay pain??
I’m not sure if this progress means that I’m going to dive head first into daily bra wearing again. Somehow, I don’t think so. The bras are beautiful and they do lovely things for the TWINS, as you have all borne witness to. I’m really rather enjoying using the shelf bras though. Even though the Prima Donna bras ARE comfortable, the shelf bras are even more comfortable.
While I do think I’ll be wearing bras more often, I think that for the time being I’m going to stick with my shelf bras as my daily wear mainstay. That may change with a little more time. I’m just going to have to take it as it comes and see what happens. As usual.
07.12.09
Bra Day
Since everything seems to be healing so nicely. I’m wearing one of my new Prima Donna bras today. I’ll report back about whether or not I have any complications from it due to skin delicacy or other issues.
07.10.09
A Tad Bit Nipply
Remember that classic Christmas son “All I Want For Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)? Well, all *I* want in time for DragonCon is a pair of high quality hand made silicone prosthetic nipples.
I’ve looked at the pre-made ones and they’re terrible. Sure, under a SHIRT they look like nipples, but in no way shape or form could THIS ever be considered a proper nipple: http://tinyurl.com/m7emlr
Granted, they call them nipple enhancers. But they also tout them as prosthetic nipples. I’ve read posts on breast cancer forums where these are considered acceptable replacements for real nipples.
Reforma nipples are a bit better http://tinyurl.com/npazs9 They’re thinner and more pliant. Unfortunately they’re still not what I would consider a really good replacement.
The best type of nipple prosthetic that I have found are made of silicone. They are molded to your breast mound for the best fit and then hand painted to match your other breast. In MY case, or in the case of both breasts being taken, the artists I have talked to will use a sister or daughter as a model.
I have neither. Well, I have four half sisters, but two of them I’m not talking to and two of them, no one knows where they are for sure.
Here is an example of the kind of nipple prosthetics ALL women should be wearing if they decide not to opt for nipple reconstruction:http://tinyurl.com/likqgb Life is just far too short to settle for something that doesn’t make you completely happy. Especially when it comes to your mental well-being.
In my research I talked not only to the gentleman who created these, but also two other prosthetic artists. One insisted that I had to be fitted there at her office. The second suggested two places here in Florida. One is in Naples and the other is in Gainesville. I will be contacting the artist in Gainsville first since they’re closer. Of course once I know more I’ll post about it. Eventually there will be a shot of me wearing the new prosthetics.
07.09.09
M M M My Seroma
I posted about my check up yesterday. This morning the troubled spot will be left to heal. No more wet to dry dressings. YAY! It’s closing up nicely finally so that’s not an issue any more.
Now since I can’t seem to do anything half-ass-ed, while Dr. Guy was poking around on my back (and I mean that literally…poke…poke…poke) she discovered that the right side had a pretty massive seroma.
A seroma is a pocket of clear serous fluid that sometimes develops in the body after surgery. When small blood vessels are ruptured, blood plasma can seep out; inflammation caused by dying injured cells also contributes to the fluid.
This isn’t a threatening or serious condition, though it could potentially cause complications down the line. The fluid is that yellowish slightly sticky stuff that bubbles up when you scrape your knee before the scab forms. A good idea of what a seroma looks like is here: http://tinyurl.com/n8ne2
It is evident the bruising is the skin is also distended and there is a large, softball sized lump where the fluid has collected. I was unable to find a photo of a seroma on the back. With a Latissimus Flap breast reconstruction, seromas are VERY common. From what Dr. Guy said, basically the pocket it causes makes the skin separate from the muscle. Until the fluid is drained or reabsorbed back into the body, the skin cannot reattach itself to the muscle. Basically the right side of my back from below the shoulder blade to my waist and in towards my spine was one gigantic seroma.
After giving me a local anesthetic, Dr. Guy excised the fluid by sucking it out with a needle the size of a harpoon. At least that’s what it seemed like. Ken says it was only an inch or two long and pretty small in diameter.
The Doc removed 455ccs of fluid. That is very nearly half a liter of fluid. She showed Ken how to tell if it builds up again. Basically he has to poke my back. If it ripples like a waterbed, there’s a buildup of fluid.
I have another check up in two weeks. I’m really hoping there will be no more fluid build up. As usual I’ll keep you all posted.
07.08.09
The Check Up
This afternoon I’ve got an appointment with Dr. Guy, the local Uber plastic surgeon. She’ll be checking on the progress of the tissue overgrowth on my back in that one spot. According to Hubby, who can actually SEE what’s going on back there, it’s closing up FINALLY. I’m still going to hold off on wearing bras for a few more weeks though. Just to give that spot time to FULLY heal.
I’ve also found a way to make these shelf bra camis more supportive. There’s a bra-maker supply shop here (http://www.bramakerssupply.com) that has everything I need to replace these flimsy straps with wider ones. The elastic under the breasts is pretty wide already so i won’t have to replace that. All I have to do is hand dye the new shoulder straps to match and sew them in. VOILA! New, supportive cami shelf bras. Since I live in Florida, wearing two tops in the middle of summer is just too hot. So this solves both the problem of support and the heat issue. I’ll post pics when they’re done.
The *other* checking up thing I have to do is call Patti at Dr. Elliott’s office. She was supposed to call me about where I could get silicone prosthetic nipples locally. Since I don’t have an existing nipple to be cast and copied I may not have to see someone to be fitted. But then as large as the new Twins are, I may. I have NO idea ho that works really.
That’s one more thing I’ll have to report back on one I know something. I REALLY want to have the prosthetics in time for DragonCon. I’m still REALLY not in a head space for another surgery yet. Even if I COULD afford it right now, the last thing I’m looking forward to is being cut on more even if it IS just minor, in-patient surgery.
I’m afraid I can’t find any photos of the star flap nipple reconstruction. I did put up a link in an earlier post though. I’ll dig around and see what I can find and edit this post if I can find an appropriate image.
07.07.09
The Person My Dog Thinks I Am
I started writing this particular post on 12/17/08. At the time I was still very emotionally wounded. I was struggling to find the strength to start recording podcast episodes for BoobCast. And I was failing miserably.
Since my little dog is ill, I wanted to finish this and post it because he inspired me to write this.
It never fails. I can go out the door to get the mail and the moment I step back in, my little dog starts jumping all over me. His little face lights up in a grin, tongue lolling out the side of his mouth in an expression that can only mean “Mom! You were gone for so long! I missed you so much in those two minutes you were away!”. Then he’ll run to get a toy so that we can play for a few minutes. In the evening he curls up by my foot…sometimes ON my foot…and we watch TV together. Or he’ll convince me that my lap is where he belongs. But heaven forbid I should stop rubbing his chest. He’ll promptly (and repeatedly, mind you) paw at my hand until I resume my duties.
He loves me unconditionally. To him, it doesn’t matter if I beat myself up or think badly of myself. It doesn’t matter to him how I look or even how I THINK I look. He loves me just the same. That sort of unconditional acceptance and love is the kind of thing we all should be practicing on ourselves.
Imagine how much more peaceful and satisfying our lives would be if we loved ourselves the way our dogs love us. No more self-esteem boosting seminars. One of those would just consist of an hour playing Frisbee in the park. No more feeling like you’re not good enough. Your dog knows that you are.
It was those feelings of not being good enough, spurred by fashion magaines and the media that pushed me to have surgery. If I had learned earlier to love myself the way I am, I could have saved everyone a world of heartache. As we all know, though, hindsight is 20/20. So regret, like guilt, doesn’t really serve a purpose either.
My dog knows that lesson too. He lives in the moment spending his time just being Brenner. He isn’t worried about grey hair or, in his case, a graying muzzle. His biggest preoccupation is figuring out the best place to nap in the sun. Oh for that simple life.
07.06.09
Pieces
A few days ago I was talking to my best friend. Ninety-Nine percent of the time she’s right about what she says. I value her advice because she IS right so often. So those very few times when we disagree I find it very disconcerting. This is one of those times when I’m still trying to figure out if she is right yet again.
During our talk she went to great lengths to tell me something. She stressed that even when I was in the midst of the very worst and the necrosis was slowly eating my breasts away, or the sutures were tearing open and I had two tennis ball sized gaping wounds where I once had breasts, I was still whole. That no matter what happened to my body, in essence I was still me.
To some extent this is true. Even when I felt like a mangled, worthless subhuman thing, I was still Maria. I still had the basic make-up that makes me who I am.
There IS a point I have problems agreeing, however. If a situation, no matter what it is, breaks your spirit, if your mettle is pushed beyond the breaking point and you shatter under the weight of the situation, are you REALLY still whole?
Here is where I have to say No. Those pieces have to be put back together again. In many cases, those shards come together to create something stronger than before. Mettle isn’t tested unless it’s been through the forge.
Once in a while, for some people, those pieces don’t quite mend right. Mental illness can develop from extreme stress. When someone endures long periods of high stress levels, that saturation of adrenaline, etc can actually cause changes in brain chemistry. I’ve talked about post traumatic stress disorder before. Panic disorders, anxiety and depression are other issues that can develop. All of these mental issues can become life threatening. Depression can lead to suicide. Panic attacks and anxiety can lead to high blood pressure, stroke and heart attack.
Of course modern pharmacology can supply you with a pill to alleviate the symptoms of those mental illnesses. But the underlying cause still remains, possibly for years. This raises the question: Are you really whole if you don’t FEEL whole?
My friend’s premise is that our essence or soul cannot be affected by what happens to our bodies. That essence remains whole and perfect. That’s all well and good, but if the MIND, that mental spark that makes us who we are, is damaged, are we still whole?
In THIS regard, I have to disagree. Once something is broken it can never truly be made whole again. I will NEVER be the same again. I don’t just mean physically, either. Perhaps I am ‘whole’ but I am changed and I will never be the same.
That is not to say that I am not still ‘Maria’. I am. I have been changed by what has happened though. Who wouldn’t be? In some ways I am stronger. In others, I am weaker. Those aspects may eventually change. Right now, only Time will tell.
